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Welcome to Recovery, Light, and Life... I am Chris Epson and I'm in recovery from pornography and sex addiction.  I know there are people who believe that those are not addictions, but just choices.  But I can affirm that they are addictions, as insidious and dark as any addiction to drugs, alcohol, gambling, or anything else.  I struggled with this on and off for over fifty years, and at the rock bottom of my struggle I had lost my ability to choose...I was "past feeling".  But I was saved, literally.  And to go from darkness to light has been the greatest blessing of my life. I am married to an amazing, very forgiving wife, Marilyn.  We have two grown children, Kristen and Adam, and six awesome grandchildren.  We are both from California, and have lived many years in the Salt Lake Valley of Utah.  We are Christians, and members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  Why is this important?  Because this
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  "I LOOK FOR THE GOOD IN EVERYTHING.  NOT BECAUSE I'M IGNORANT, BUT BECAUSE IT EXISTS AND I CHOOSE TO SEEK IT."                         Rachel..."Bruised But Not Broken" "WE CAN ONLY BE SAID TO BE ALIVE IN THOSE MOMENTS WHEN OUR HEARTS ARE CONSCIOUS OF OUR TREASURE."                         Thornton Wilder "DO NOT BE ANXIOUS ABOUT ANYTHING, BUT IN EVERYTHING BY PRAYER AND SUPPLICATION WITH THANKSGIVING LET YOUR REQUESTS BE MADE KNOWN TO GOD.  AND THE PEACE OF GOD, WHICH SURPASSES ALL UNDERSTANDING, WILL GUARD YOUR HEARTS AND YOUR MINDS IN CHRIST JESUS."                         Phillipians 4:6-7 While I was in Desert Solace I read that verse in Phillipians and the phrase "the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding" jumped off the page at me.  What?!  Peace that cannot possibly be understood?  How does that work?  How do I get that?  Where does it come from and who has it?  What would that be feel real peace?  Beca

Connection...and Family

  "In God's vocabulary, sin is suffering, woundedness, and brokenness in our relationships...authentic, loving relationships are not preparation for heaven - they constitute heaven."           Fiona and Teryl Givens "For Presence to become deeply rooted, it must be tested in the fire of relationships... "If you really want to know how spiritually awake you are, spend time around other people.  For each of our relationships - from the brief interaction with the barista to our bonds with lifelong partners or family members - reflect back to us our predominant state of consciousness."           Eckhart Tolle Addiction thrives in isolation, especially sexual addiction.  Ask almost any recovering addict, and they will tell you how alone and isolated they felt...from themselves, from God, from their family, and from other people.  They will tell you that they felt as though they were the only ones in the world with this "problem", and that no one could

Distracted Living...

 "Therefore we must pay much closer attention to what we have heard, lest we drift away from it."                    Hebrews 2:1 (ESV) "Lord, keep me in the moment, help me live with my eyes wide open, 'cause I don't wanna miss what you have for me..."                    Jeremy Camp..."Keep Me in the Moment"                          A couple of years ago Marilyn and I attended a meeting sponsored by our church ward, at which the invited speaker was Leslee Henson.  Leslee and her husband David were walking down the street near their home in St. George, Utah on March 4th, 2013, when a car driven by a 50 year old woman slammed into another car which then slammed into David and Leslee.  David died from that accident, and Leslee endured fifteen days in the intensive care unit after having reconstructive surgery to her head and face that required 5000 stitches and staples.  She also suffered a broken neck, two fractures in her spine, bleeding on her brai

Wow! I didn't see that coming...

"Don't it always seem to don't know what you got till it's gone."           Joni Mitchell..."Big Yellow Taxi" "Do not dwell on what you have lost.  Remember the miracles."           Susan H. Porter "...Aren't we all struggling to live with realities we would not choose?  Suffering in its simplest form comes in the space between what we thought would be and what is...Life defines us, but suffering redefines us.  Ultimately hope refines us, transforming us from within in ways we never could have imagined. "But as we live in the world, as we suffer and grow, we experience things that bump against the boundaries of what has defined us thus far, that chip away at and redefine our borders, and that sometimes shatter the life we've known.  The real work, the hardest work, is to pick up the pieces and decide how to put them back together again.  The new thing that emerges may not work the way it used to, but it can bend an

Up the Down Escalator...Relapse

  "You have two choices...ride to the bottom or get up and start climbing again."           Mark Jorgenson "Life is a series of relapses and recoveries."           George Ade "Without the Redeemer, the inherent hope and joy evaporate, and repentance becomes simply miserable behavior modification."           Dale G. Renlund Before I left Desert Solace in March of 2017 Marilyn and I met with my therapist Ryan, who was the clinical director there at the time, during our last family weekend.  Among other things, we talked about the "aftercare" program Ryan and I had created.  This plan was a list of the many things I had agreed to do to keep me sober and keep Marilyn safe.  Well, keep me safe too.  Things such as exercise daily, eating breakfast (something I rarely had done before), living within the boundaries we agreed to (for example, no phone in the bathroom), and doing my "dailies"...a daily routine of morning study, reading, meditatio