"I did not come for the healthy, but for those who need a doctor."
Jesus
"How helpful it is to see sin, like addiction, as a disease, a very destructive disease, instead of merely something that was culpable, punishable, or 'made God unhappy.' If sin indeed made God unhappy, it was because God desires nothing more than our happiness, and wills the healing of our disease."
Richard Rohr
Mortality works. It's designed to be difficult and to teach us lessons we could not otherwise learn. It's designed to provide us experiences that point to, push, and pull us toward growth. And because of that, it is hard. Of course, not all the time. We've been told that we "are" that we "might have joy." So joy is the very purpose of our life, both now and in the eternities. It always had been, and that's why we're here. But some of of us are slow learners, and apparently I am one of those. But others of us suffer from the disease of addiction, turn our back on Grace, and never learn from our experiences and poor choices. As I've said before, we are all addicts to some degree...it's in our nature as humans. We each have something we go to when we're feeling tired, scared, angry, disappointed, unsure, or hurt. And especially when we feel as though we're not good enough...
Richard Rohr wrote an amazing book entitled "Breathing Under Water...Spirituality and the Twelve Steps" and in it he says "...actually we are all addicted to our own habitual way of doing anything, our own defenses, and most especially, our patterned way of thinking, or how we process our reality." In other words, we all need healing, and the healing we need can only come from the Savior. And we get to do the work...along with Him...to experience that healing. As Richard writes, "You cannot heal what you do not first acknowledge." It's time to get real, and it's time to dive into the Twelve Steps of the Atonement.
Step 1: "Admit that we, of ourselves, are powerless to overcome our addictions and that our lives have become unmanageable."
What does it take to make this kind of admission? In the recovery world we like to call it "rock bottom," and it's a perfect description of where we eventually find ourselves in addiction of any kind. This is when we can't sink any further...when things can't get any worse. Everyone has their own rock bottom, and it looks different for every person. I have heard hundreds of peoples' stories of their personal rock bottom, and the point in their lives when the pain of their addiction became greater than the pain of being honest about it. Make no mistake. It's a painful experience to finally admit the mess we've made, the mess we've become, and the people we've hurt, and so most of us avoid that for as long as we can. Eventually though, something happens to wake us up and to get real about what our lives look like. In my story, and really, in everyone's story, Grace steps in to turn us around. Whether it's getting caught by a spouse, getting called out by a friend, running away from home, finding ourselves homeless sleeping in a park downtown, or finding ourselves in jail, that event or series of events ultimately will be looked upon as Grace...the divine interference we needed to step into the course correction called recovery, and to begin...truly begin...to live life.
This is the only way to begin! To get real and get honest, and to be able to look at ourselves with honesty. To begin to dig deep into not just the what, but the why. And above all, to let go of the weight of shame we've been carrying around for so long.
Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf said..."Being able to see ourselves clearly is essential to our spiritual growth and well-being. If our weaknesses and shortcomings (addictions) remain obscured in the shadows, then the redeeming power of the Savior cannot heal them and make them strengths." If we continue to pretend that we're okay, that we've "got this," and minimize and justify our behavior, real healing by Jesus will allude us. Let go of the pride. Stop posing. Get real. Be honest. That's Step 1.
Step 2: "Come to believe the power of God can restore us to complete spiritual health."
The key principle of this step is Hope. I can testify that the heart of addiction is hopelessness. There is no hope, and most of the time there is just resignation...I'm stuck. I'm worth nothing. I've given up. I'm going to hell and there's just nothing I can do about it, and I don't care anymore. This is just the way I am, and I can't change. Hopelessness. Despair. I can also testify that it sucks, and it's a horrible way to live...
But, for me, the very beginning of recovery in Desert Solace was hope. Maybe, just maybe, there is something better for me. Maybe, just maybe, I can rise above these feelings of worthlessness and change...no, transform...my life into something completely different. Really, isn't hope the foundation of the gospel of Jesus Christ? We're told in Hebrews that ..."Faith is the substance of things hoped for..." Hope is found all through the New Testament, and is the foundation of real faith. Hope is in the middle between Faith and Charity. There is no Charity...Christlike love...without Hope. In 2 Nephi we read..."Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men." So...without Hope life is pretty dark.
A huge part of the this work of finding Hope is better understanding who God really is, and especially how we are loved by Him. The 12 Step Guidebook says..."Our shame often gets in the way of understanding God's character and love for us. Blinded by our pain and addictions, we often see Him as someone who is vengeful, disappointed, and angry with us. The purpose of this action is to set aside incorrect ideas about God and develop a better understanding of His love, mercy, and willingness and desire to bless us." As we begin to live in His love our hope returns, and as we see some Light we become hungry for more. More Light and more hope. As we let go of our pride and do the work necessary to begin to hope, the excitement of a life rooted in both Jesus and recovery brings us some real joy...maybe for the first time in our life.
Step 3: "Decide to turn our wills and our lives over to the care of God, the Eternal Father, and His Son, Jesus Christ."
The key principle of this step is Trust in God.
As it says, this is a decision. Better said, a choice. Agency is really the only thing we have that is truly ours. Any earthly possession is just gifted us by God. "Things" are not ours, and they are not eternal. Everything is transitory and we are only stewards. But agency...that is ours. It's eternal and will not be infringed upon by our Father or our Savior. Of course, we know the enemy desperately wants us to lose our ability to choose, and any addiction is an example of that. Even when God intervenes on our behalf, we still have the choice to accept His divine help, or not. The choice to actually turn our will...what we want and who we are...over to God is the work of a lifetime, and is the work of a disciple. And it is very much an issue of trust.
There are dozens of examples throughout all scripture of people who have, and some who have not, made that choice and have done that work. We see stories of transformation and redemption repeatedly, and they inspire us to do the same. Once again, this choice can only be made after we have recognized the reality of our lives, been honest about them, and begun to turn outward toward God...with hope. In Step 3 we are introduced to the only thing we can do for God. We get to decide to open ourselves to Him and "surrender our entire lives - past, present, and future - our wills to Him...It is the most important choice we make in this life."
The 12 Step Guidebook quotes Elder Neal A. Maxwell..."The submission of one's will is really the only uniquely personal thing we have to place on God's altar...The many other things we give to God, however nice that may be of us, are actually things He has already given us, and He has loaned them to us. But when we begin to submit ourselves by letting our wills be swallowed up in God's will, then we are really giving something to Him."
What does this actually look like in our life? Well, it is different for every person. I don't believe it means we just wait around for God to tell us what to do every day, but rather we talk to Him each morning, tell Him our plans for the day, but add that if He has something different for us we're open to that. It means we allow Him to write our story and we quit "trying to steal the pen." We live in the realization that however we might like our home, our food, our car, our clothes, or "our" anything else, ultimately they don't matter. The opinions of other people don't matter. It means living an outward life in which we use what we have to bless the lives of others, beginning with those closest to us. Living like this is totally different...180 degrees different...than any addiction. It flips the script, and we become a new person with a changed heart. It looks just like recovery...and it feels just like trust.
Step 4: "Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of ourselves."
The key principle of this step is Truth.
Richard Rohr calls Step 4 "moral scrutiny," and wrote..."Moral scrutiny is not to discover how good or bad I am and regain some moral high ground, but it is to begin some honest 'shadow boxing' which is at the heart of all spiritual awakening. Yes, 'the truth will set you free' as Jesus says, but first it tends to make you miserable.'"
The 12 Step Guidebook tells us "The purpose of Step 4 is to look at our past to better understand our weaknesses and recognize what is preventing us from becoming like the Savior and serving others... but we can't change something if we aren't fully aware of it...
"Writing our inventories requires us to be honest with ourselves about who we are and where we have been so that we can then ask God to help us change, become better, and heal."
Step 4, for most people in recovery, is the most difficult step, after Step 1. It's honesty on steroids. It's writing down everything that got us to where we are. It's hard because it hurts, and Father Richard is right...it can be a difficult, miserable experience. It's digging deep into our past and into our souls. It's a journey of discovery about not just what we have done but why we have become who we are. And as difficult as it may be, it is a huge step towards the freedom we want so badly. Step 4 is getting past the excuses, the minimizing, the justifying, and the victimhood of our former selves. It's real and gritty.
This step is so critical in this journey that in the appendix of the 12 Step Guidebook there are ten pages about how to write an effective inventory. It has to be done. The only way to really heal is to get the poison out...
I've known people that spent up to six months writing their Step 4 inventories, although it can be done in less time. Detail is important, as is complete honesty. No excuses. At the same time, this inventory is not to serve as a reason to beat ourselves up. It must include the good things we have accomplished in our lives and the good person that we really are, despite our past behaviors. Step 4 is a true breakthrough exercise, and will indeed bless our lives...
Step 5: "Admit to ourselves, to our Heavenly Father in the name of Jesus Christ, to proper priesthood authority, and to another person the exact nature of our wrongs."
The key principle of Step 5 is confession.
Confession! Ugh! As I've said before, I was the guy that was never going to tell anyone all my secrets and all my sins. I had zero intention of confessing to anyone, but especially to a church leader. I was ready to take it all to the grave, and was truly past feeling. But then something happened...While I was at Desert Solace, and as I began my recovery journey and began working these Steps, all of that changed. Step 1 got me into treatment, Steps 2 and 3 got me into a place where I could accomplish Step 4, and by the time I had that completed I actually looked forward to talking to my church leaders about all of it. And when I got home I did...in great detail. And guess what? They listened closely, they didn't scold me, they didn't judge me, but instead they loved me. They supported me. All the stories I had made up in my head about how horrible confession would be simply were not true. The enemy had me wrapped around his little finger and had me believing what a loser I was, and how the worst thing that could possibly happen to me was for anyone to find out who I really was. But they were all lies...
In Step 5 of the Guidebook, it says..."Addiction thrives in secrecy. Sister Carole M. Stephens taught, 'Hope and healing are not found in the dark abyss of secrecy but in the light and love of our Savior, Jesus Christ.' President Spencer W. Kimball taught: 'Repentance can never come until one has bared his soul and admitted his actions without excuses or rationalizations...'"
Once again, the scriptures are full of stories of redemption in which confession was key...really the turning point to redemption and healing and joy. Writing our history on paper is critical, but it only goes so far. Sharing them with someone...a church leader as well as a sponsor or friend we can trust...is just as critical. Real change going forward will never happen unless we share the details of where we've been, and that requires letting go of the shame that always accompanies addiction of any kind. Shame tells us to keep it a secret and shame tells us if people knew the "real" me they would hate us. But shame is a tool of the enemy...maybe his greatest tool. The only way to get out from under that cloud of shame is, once again, to be real and to be honest, and to share our stories with those who can help us heal with the Savior's help.
Richard Rohr wrote..."Forgiveness is to let go of our hope for a different or better past. It is what it is, and such acceptance leads to great freedom, as long as there is also accountability and healing in the process. Nothing new happens without an apology and forgiveness." We cannot change our past, we can only acknowledge it and learn from it. But we can change our future, if...and it's a big if...we are honest about where we've been, become very aware of where we are, and set a new course for ourselves. That new path is real freedom if we choose to walk it with the Savior. That is how the truth makes us free...
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