Richard Rohr..."Breathing Under Water"
"Working recovery helps us discover any self-centered or fear-based connections which may have replaced or smothered our connection with God. One of the most wonderful gifts that comes as a byproduct of working recovery is the divine connection we poignantly feel when these false connections are removed. We then gain confidence that we can turn to and rely upon the love and healing power of the God of our understanding..."
SAL Book, pg. 108
When we complete the first five steps, we may think the hard work is over. It's really not. What we have accomplished thus far is HUGE...first admitting our weakness and our mess, and then just as quickly, realizing that there is hope and that the only way through recovery includes power from Above. It quickly became clear to me early in my own recovery that I could not heal myself. There was work to be done...and there still is, every day...but the healing, the change, and the transformation could only come from God, through my Savior. So, beginning in Step 6, we continue to dig deep and continue to find healing, especially in our relationships with other people...
Step 6: "Become entirely ready to have God remove all our character weaknesses."
The key principle of this step is Change of Heart. Really, that's what recovery is. A complete change of heart. A new heart. A heart of flesh. What is asked of us by the Savior? In the 51st Psalm we read..."The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and contrite heart." In 3 Nephi, chapter 9. we're told..."And ye shall offer unto me a broken heart and a contrite spirit." This is the essence of any recovery and any new life. Step 6 is an invitation to dig a little deeper than we did previously. As it says, "We noticed that abstinence made our character weaknesses more visible. Because we no longer used addiction as an escape, we could see our issues more clearly."
Mike Petrow said, "The pain that you feel is the pain that can heal." As we quit indulging in our addictive behavior, whatever that might look like, we start to feel again. And that's difficult. But now we can see pretty clearly what our real issues are, and maybe for the first time in our lives we can face them head on. But once again, we can't do that alone. "Step 6 requires us to surrender to God all remnants of pride and self-will...it is a process, not an event."
Notice in the step it says to "become entirely ready," which might be all we can do. We can do our best, day after day after day, as we allow Grace into our lives.
Step 7: "Humbly ask Heavenly Father to remove our shortcomings."
The key principle of this step is Humility. Addiction is usually the very opposite of humility. Addiction is selfish and it's isolating. It's all about me and what I want and what I need and what I deserve. It's a disease of the self...really the false self. Addiction is always the result of false beliefs about ourselves and about God and about other people. In the book of 1st Corinthians Paul says, "We see through a glass darkly," but addicts can't see at all. But now, in recovery, we begin to see...to see things as they really are. And that is startling and can be so very difficult! Great humility is required to live in continuing recovery, and that's a whole new way of life. Let's be clear though...humility is not weak. It is power and strength, with the ability to be brutally honest with our shortcomings and weaknesses and biases and woundedness, and then to go to God with them and have them removed. It is the realization that we do not deserve anything, and everything is a gift. And we get to receive the gift...
Richard Rohr writes..."God's totally positive and lasting way of removing our shortcomings is to fill up the hole with something much better, more luminous, and more satisfying. Then your old shortcomings are not driven away, or pushed underground, as much as they are exposed and starved for the false program for happiness that they are. Like used scaffolding, our sins fall away from us as unneeded and unhelpful because now a new and better building has been found. This is the wondrous discovery of our True Self, and the gradual deterioration of our false and constructed self."
So as we work for something new in our lives, which work is never completed, our old habits, behaviors, and beliefs are replaced with something new. Something real and something much better. That replacement is what we are humbly praying for...
Step 8: "Make a written list of all persons we have harmed and become willing to make restitution to them"
The key principle of this step is to prepare to make amends. Why? What's the point? The very first sentence of this step says..."Before our recovery began, our addictive lifestyles were like a tornado full of destructive energy that cut through our relationships, leaving much wreckage behind." That's pretty descriptive, but might even be an understatement. I'm sure we all know stories of families torn apart by addiction of all kinds, spouses betrayed, parents worn out by all the lying, secrets, theft, police, court visits, and so much more. Jail time, divorce, homelessness, and maybe even death. Many times it's almost impossible to describe the wreckage, the pain, and the consequences of a loved one's addiction. This step is an opportunity to get ready to repair some of that relational wreckage...
Step 8 is preparation for Step 9, where we will actually do our best to make amends and try to repair relationships that have been severely damaged, or maybe destroyed. Step 9 needs some planning and rushing into it can be a disaster. Step 8 is really pretty simple...make a list. A list of those people we've harmed in any way because of our behavior as addicts. This could be something as simple as a child who we constantly made late for school because we had to stop at the convenience store every morning for our morning fix of Dr. Pepper, and when they complained we either ignored them or lost our temper. Of course, other addictions are much more severe and much more damaging, but anytime we are putting ourselves first...thinking we deserve something, there will be some wreckage left behind. How often do we disregard another person to get what WE want? There is a lot more to step 8, but you get the idea. I made my list while I was at Desert Solace, and it had about sixty names on it, including Marilyn, all my family, many friends, some church members, and many people I worked with, especially those I walked out on that Friday afternoon.
Once again, I love what Father Richard has to say about steps 8 and 9..."God fully forgives us, but the 'karma' of our mistakes remains, and we must still complete Step 9: go back and repair the bonds that we have broken. Otherwise others will not be able to forgive us, will remain stuck, and we will both remain a wounded world. We usually need to make amends to forgive even ourselves...'Amazing grace' is not a way to avoid honest human relationships, but to redo them-but now gracefully-for the liberation of both sides."
Step 9: "Wherever possible, make direct restitution to all persons we have harmed."
The key principle of this step is to make amends. Step 9 is the "doing" of Step 8, and while Step 8 may be wishful thinking, Step 9 gets very real for us. As the 12 Step Recovery Guide says, "We needed courage, good judgment, sensitivity, prudence, and appropriate timing...we realized that step 9 would once more test our willingness to humble ourselves and seek the Lord's help and grace." Trust me, using courage, good judgment, sensitivity, prudence, or appropriate timing are never the strengths of someone mired in addiction, but at this point in recovery they are desperately required. This is without doubt new territory for many of us. We're certainly not used to being humble, accountable, repentant, or apologetic. This is hard!
But..."when we are humble and honest and make reasonable efforts to meet in person, we can repair damaged relationships." We do not attempt to make excuses or justify our past behavior. We don't necessarily need to go into great detail. Our intent is to reconcile to the best of our ability, and we go into this step knowing that in some cases our attempt of reconciliation may not be accepted. Once again, this is hard! We should remember that forgiveness goes both ways, and there may be people we need to forgive as well as ask for their forgiveness. It is always best to consult our therapist, mentor, sponsor, or religious leader before we begin this step. We'll need their support because even though we may be healing from old wounds, there will be others who are not.
Step 9 requires some real work and some real risk taking, but the joy that comes from our being accountable and seeking forgiveness is worth that risk and hard work. In recovery we come to realize the world doesn't revolve around us and that the opposite of addiction is always connection, and the blessings of this realization are incredible. In the Big Book from Alcoholics Anonymous we read the Ninth Step Promises. Among them are..."We are going to know a new freedom and new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity, and we will know peace. We will see how our experience can benefit others. The feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear." Step 9 is a critical turning point in our recovery and a crucial step of four growth and further healing.
Step 10: "Continue to take personal inventory, and when we are wrong, promptly admit it."
The key principle of this step is Daily Accountability. Step 10 is called a maintenance step, and it's designed to take what we have learned and experienced thus far and continue to make it work for us throughout the rest of our lives... It's the daily living of the gospel. and is not just about sobriety. It's about "holding ourselves accountable every day through personal evaluation, accepting what we discover, and promptly repenting." It's living in constant awareness...what am I looking at, listening to, thinking about, and doing? What am I feeling? Then, as we live in this awareness, it is accepting those feelings and accepting what is happening to us, around us, and with us. We know that "what we resist, persists". Living a life of resistance never leads to any kind of joy, but as we live a life of acceptance, we can make the necessary changes...repentance. Because that's all repentance is...change. Course correction. No shame, no beating ourselves up, and no feeling stupid. No making up a story about ourselves or what we may have done. Ask for forgiveness and get going again. Every day...
In her awesome book "All We Can Do," Christina Judd writes..."When we come bearing our soul, especially the most undesirable parts, God never thinks, You shouldn't have done that. How could you? Why did you do that? You do this every time. You should know better by now! When we come scared, wishing we could bury it all, wishing we could bury ourselves, He wraps us in His arms and, scarred hands and feet and side the proof, says, 'I'm not mad. I just need you to tell me what happened. It's the only way I can make it better.' When we repent, when we tell Him about it - in the moment, beforehand, afterward, and every time in between - He sends the Holy Ghost to heal our hearts. As our hearts are healed and changed, the things that once held us bound lose their power over us and we no longer succumb to their tempting lures."
Step 10 is living a conscious life. It's knowing who we are and what our intentions really are. It's also an understanding of what is most important in our lives. Richard Rohr writes..."Whenever we do anything stupid, cruel, evil, or destructive to ourselves or others, we are at that moment unconscious, and unconscious of our identity. If we are fully conscious, we would never do it. Loving people are always highly conscious people. To rely on any drug or substance is to become unconscious."
Daily accountability, daily awareness, daily acceptance, and daily repentance are all Step 10...
Step 11: "Seek through prayer and meditation to know the Lord's will and to have the power to carry it out."
The key principle of this step is Personal Revelation. Revelation?! This is not what most addicts are looking for in the middle of their mess. But sometimes the Light breaks through and that little voice can get past our addict brain and give us some guidance. But now is different! Now, as we work Step 11, this is something we begin to crave. We seek it and we need it! As our relationship with God changes, grows, and flourishes, we want Step 3 to come alive for us and we do what we can to align our will with His. We do this by living Step 11...
This Step is introduced in the 12 Step Recovery Guide..."In step 11 we make a daily commitment to seek to know the Lord's will and pray to receive the power to carry it out...The purpose of this step is to improve our abilities to hear Jesus Christ, receive personal revelation, and receive the power to conduct our lives accordingly. This desire for personal revelation is in great contrast to the cravings we experienced when we were lost in our addictions." Notice the word "power." Much like the rest of our recovery, this is not something we can do well by ourselves. We need power and we need Grace, and without it we probably won't get very far. Doing this alone just doesn't work well...
We are all familiar with the familiar verse from Psalms 46:10..."Be still and know that I am God." This sounds like a formula and maybe the only way to really "know" God...to develop a relationship with Him...is to be still. Jesus set the example. "In the morning, long before dawn, he got up, left the house, and went off to a lonely place to pray." Mark 1:35 While it is true that the opposite of addiction is connection...with other people...it is also most importantly connection with oneself and with God. And I've learned through experience the only way to connect with myself was with and through God.
So, how do we do this? I've already written about the power of "dailies," which are the daily practices of life that provide focus, intention, direction, and connection to our lives. Scripture, prayer, meditation, setting daily intention, exercise, time spent outdoors, reading, podcasts, daily devotionals, and much more. We need, as Jesus did, some quiet time in the "wilderness." We can pause and choose to, as Phillip Yancy wrote, to "live in the Grace of the day." Prayer is a HUGE part of this daily process. It's been said that "to pray is to practice remembering God." I know many people who have a conversation with God in the car on the way to work, while others literally pray in their closet. However we practice it, as Richard Rohr says, "Prayer is not about changing God, but being willing to let God change us...basically prayer is an exercise in divine participation - you opting in and God always there!"
What if we, each morning in our prayers, went over our plans for that day, but then added something like "If You have something different planned for me, I'm open to that." This keeps us open to all kinds of possibilities and helps keep us in alignment with Him. One thing is for sure...how we both begin and end our day determines much of our success in recovery...and in life. Some solitude, some quiet, and some divine conversation makes all the difference...
This takes us through the first 11 steps, with one more to come. As you can see, these steps are progressive, with one leading to the other. But here's the thing...this is not a 12 step "program."
They are not "one and done." In the later maintenance steps, we are practicing steps 1, 2, and 3 over and over, every day, and it becomes our way of life. We don't attend a 12-step meeting for 12 weeks, and then we're done. We don't graduate, but we do change how we live our lives. We do learn to make better choices as we align our will with God's and as we deepen our connection to Him and with those people around us. Life begins to flow better because we quit resisting and begin accepting both life as it comes, and His will for us. This doesn't mean we just float along, but rather we get to do the hard work required of us because we want to and not because we have to. We learn to love spending time in the Light and spending time with Him, and life becomes an entirely different experience...an experience we never could have imagined before.
These steps are inspired and will bless the life of anyone who would like to experience the Atonement of Jesus Christ in a new, deeper way, and feel the burden of any compulsive behavior or emotions life away. You're invited. Get the guidebook. Attend some meetings. It'll change your life.
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