"I suspect that discovering what a Christian life looks like depends a lot on discovering the fact that repentance is a practice of joy, that this is something that you want to take up all day long, every day, as a way of engaging the world, rather than something that you want to avoid at all costs as a last resort, in light of your own imperfection." Adam Miller
Having hit my personal rock bottom, there was really nowhere to go but up. Well, maybe that's not true. I could have said that I didn't want to get better, I didn't want to go up...wherever "up" was...and that I didn't want to begin a journey of recovery. Yes, I had a choice, and I will be forever grateful that I chose to be all in as I began my ninety days at Desert Solace. We're told that when the prodigal son hit his rock bottom, he "came to himself" and made the choice to return home. And we could say that he didn't have a choice...he was starving and eating with the pigs. But of course he did have a choice...we all do. As I've mentioned before, as I began that journey of recovery, I had no idea what it was going to look like or be like, but it soon became apparent that it would be a spiritual journey. It became clear that the only way to live in any kind of daily, even hourly, recovery would be in partnership with my Father and my Savior. And as a result, I also learned how to repent.
One of the results of my recovery journey is that I see and live the gospel differently than I had before. My perspective changed dramatically, and that change has continued over the past eight years. As I've mentioned before, growing up in the church, the whole idea of repentance sounded very formal, very formulaic, and was, I believed, only for the really "bad" sins that people committed. It didn't sound any fun, and I just thought I'd avoid it altogether if I could. I was under the impression that there was a big scorecard in heaven, and as long as the good stuff I did outweighed the bad stuff, I might be ok. I never had a church leader tell me about the joy of repentance, or what it really could do for me...for my personal well-being, my personal peace, or my connection to God. My non-LDS Christian friends talked about being a friend to Jesus and I thought that sounded great. They talked about the debt for my sins already being paid, and that I didn't have to earn my way into Heaven. That actually sounded better, but I didn't understand that either. It didn't seem fair. But of course, I had no clue about a merciful, loving Father and Savior, whose entire desire for me...as a son...was joy and happiness.
So...beginning in Desert Solace I encountered Grace, Love, Mercy, and Forgiveness for the first time in my sixty-two years of life. I asked myself, "How did I not know this?" How did I go all this time having never understood repentance and mercy? This was a HUGE discovery for me, and while I still don't really "understand" all of it...because I don't think we can understand it in this life...I have definitely experienced it!
The word "repent" or "repentance" shows up dozens of times throughout scripture, both ancient and modern. Why? Well, now I know that it's the only way to experience the "peace that passeth all understanding," and the only way to experience the joy which is mentioned throughout scripture as well. Here's what I know... The Savior is quick to forgive. He is our advocate with our Father, and He's always...always!...on our side. He provided us the Gift of all gifts in His Atonement, and we just get to receive that Gift. And repentance, constant daily, maybe even hourly repentance, is how we do that. Our initial faith leads us to it, and everything else comes as a result of it. All of our covenant making and keeping, all of our obedience, all of our worship and praise, all of our gratitude, all of our church service, all of our connection to our Heavenly Parents and our Savior, all of our scripture study, all of our praying, and all of our "enduring to the end" is the result of living a life of repentance, with a "broken heart" and a "contrite spirit." There's nothing to earn, but there's always something to repent of. Repentance changes our heart, and our changed heart leads us to more repentance.
Sister Tamara Runia recently gave one the best conference addresses ever (my opinion:), and in it she said...
"It saddens me to admit this, but I used to measure my relationship with the Savior by how perfectly I was living. I thought an obedient life meant I would never need to repent. And when I made mistakes, which was every single day, I distanced myself from God, thinking, 'He must be so disappointed in me.' That's just not true."
That sounds like exactly what I believed for so much of my life!
She said, "Because heaven isn't for people who've been perfect; it's for people who've been forgiven, who choose Christ again and again...So when the Lord says, 'Repent ye, repent ye,' what if you imagined Him saying, 'I love you. I love you.' Picture Him pleading with you to leave behind the behavior causing you pain, inviting you to step out of darkness and turn to His light."
"The invitation to repent is an expression of God's love. Saying yes to that invitation is an expression of ours."
Once again, how did I not know this? But, because of His Grace I know it now. I know that no matter the pain, or the cause of the pain, we can find relief and be healed. It may require counseling, therapy, coaching, medication, support from friends and family, but I believe that, as we soften our heart and begin to live in awareness and repentance, the healing can come. I love 3 Nephi 9, verses 13 and 14...
"...Will ye not now return unto me, and repent of your sins, and be converted, that I may heal you? ...If ye will come unto me ye shall have eternal life. Behold, mine arm of mercy is extended towards you and whosoever will come, him will I receive, and blessed are those who come unto me."
If that sounds so simple, why is it so hard for so many of us to do? Probably because He's ultimately asking for all of us...all that we have and all that we are... and He's asking for us to be loyal to Him above everything else in our life. Why? Because, once again, He knows...He is...the Source of all peace and joy. He knows what will bring us happiness and what will relieve the pain. He will, in fact, heal us, if we're willing to be healed.
One of my very favorite books is by Christina Judd, "All We Can Do...a fresh view of God, ourselves, and the world." The message in her book? All we can do is repent. All the time. Every day, all day. And it's not just asking for forgiveness for the messes we make, it's being honest with God, and it's telling Him all of our stuff. All our fears, our disappointments, our struggles, our sicknesses, our addictions, our weaknesses, our doubts, our questions, our lack of understanding, our impatience. Everything. All we can do is repent...
She writes, "I am learning to repent my way through everything. We repent through the irresistible pull toward the addiction we despise, when someone shares hard news, and through another's well-intended-yet-unsolicited advice. We repent through loss that consumes us, through loved ones not making the choices we wish they would make, and through every concern, doubt, fear, sin, illness, heartache, and problem, no matter where we are or what it is...
"This is Faith.
"This is repentance.
"This is where the Savior meets us, miracles in hand.
"But as soon as I learned Jesus and repentance, I stopped burying my feelings. I stopped thinking they were bad and that I had to change them. Learning what repentance was, and how to do it, opened a lifeline to Jesus Christ and His healing I so desperately needed and, instead of brushing my feelings aside and telling myself to do more to change them, I began repenting my way through them."
As my friend Heather once said, "God is a Big Man, and He can handle our big problems."
Author Whitney Johnson talks often about "disruption," which doesn't sound like any fun either. She says disruption is "A deliberate process of self-innovation." It is "stepping into who you can be." And she says disruption really is just repentance, and "God is a fan of disruption." If we truly believe we are here in mortality to experience and to grow, the only way that will ever happen is through the disruptions in our lives...those things and events and choices that get us out of our comfort zones and into taking the next step or doing the next right thing. All of that is repentance. It is constant change and constant challenge. It may feel risky and scary, but if we are willing to really repent and to change our view of ourselves, of God, and of the world, we will also, as Paul wrote, "...come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need."
And finally, this from sister Chieko Okaszaki...Jesus "is not waiting for us to be perfect. Perfect people don't need a Savior. He came to save people in their imperfections. He is the Lord of the living, and the living make mistakes.
"He is not embarrassed by us in our brokenness, in our unhappiness, in our guilt and our grief."
One of my favorite chapters of scripture is the fifteenth chapter of John, where Jesus talks about the vine and the branches and our alignment with Him and with His Father. In verse 11, He explains the "why"..."These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full." JOY. That's it! This is the result of living a life of constant honesty and repentance. Some of us might discover this late in life, and that's why one of my favorite lessons is the parable of the laborers. Because it's never too late...because there is no heavenly scorecard, but there is a relationship with the Savior just waiting to happen, and it happens as we learn to practice repenting. Healing is waiting for each of us. Joy is waiting. Love is waiting. Peace is waiting. All we can do is repent...
This is such a difficult topic to get your head around, much less get onto paper. So, thanks for this refreshing and clear description. Repentance is Joy in what the Savior does in us when we 'come unto Him'! Not "as long as the good stuff I did outweighed the bad stuff, I might be ok".
ReplyDeleteThat's what I've experienced. That's the God I know!