"For a season, Peter went back to fishing after thinking he failed Jesus. The next season, he was boldly preaching to thousands.
For a season, Paul sat in prison cells for following God. The next season, his letters were shaping the early church.
For a season, Lazarus was buried behind a stone. The next moment, Jesus called him back to life.
God is able to turn around the very thing that felt final. So if this season feels heavy, don't assume God is finished yet."
Ariadni Kidonis
"Both fear and faith ask you to believe in something you cannot see. You get to choose."
"What names are you answering to? Names like Unworthy, Unwanted, or Unloved? Or...names like Loved, Wanted, and Chosen? What you think about yourself determines how you live.
What story are you living out? The false stories we have believed about ourselves that trap us in the wrong patterns of living? Or can we see things, and ourselves, as they really are?
When we identify the lies in our lives, we are better equipped to heal from them and move past them."
Youvision
"Pain is the product of a not-right world. Pain isn't from God, but He does work through it. Somehow, He keeps reaching into our not-right world to pull out something deeply right. Maybe when we're spared from perfection, we're actually being invited into wholeness."
Katherine Wolf
A note to begin...
I haven't written anything for quite a while, even though I have ideas, which I have been pondering all along. Why? Well, I guess my "natural man" just tends toward laziness and I haven't been willing to put in the work. But also I've been making up stories in my head, like we all do. Most of us anyway. Stories like, does what I write really matter? Is it changing anyone's life? Why do I want to write anyway? And...does anyone even care?
I learned early in recovery, at Desert Solace, about the stories we make up, and discovered that I am a great storyteller! And most of the stories I've made up my entire life have been false. Stories about myself and my worth, stories about other people and the assumptions I would make about them, and the stories I imagined whenever I took anything personally...all of which fortified my false belief that I was just not enough.
So, once again, story making has reared its ugly head and robbed me of the motivation to continue writing. But then I realized, and was reminded by the Spirit, that I have been writing for the past six plus years because it is good for me. It has helped me heal, and it has helped me in my continuing recovery. It IS good for me. Maybe...just maybe...it has blessed someone else's life. If that is true, then it is certainly worth the effort...
Here is a new blog post. I hope it helps in some way...
In the fifteenth chapter of Luke the Savior told the stories of the lost sheep, the lost coin, and the lost son. Jesus was spending time with some "sinners," and the Pharisees were grumbling about the company He was keeping. These three stories were His response to their judgement and complaining. First the sheep...One of one hundred wanders off and the shepherd leaves the ninety-nine to search for and go after the One. Then he calls his friends and says, "Rejoice with me; for I have found my sheep which was lost. I say unto you, that likewise joy shall be in heaven over one sinner that repenteth, more than over ninety and nine just persons, which need no repentance."
Then He talked about a woman who had ten pieces of silver, but lost one. She lit a candle, swept the entire house, and sought diligently to find it. And she did! She called her neighbors and her friends, saying, "Rejoice with me; for I have found the piece which I had lost." Then Jesus continued..."Likewise, I say unto you, there is joy in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner that repenteth."
Next, Jesus told the story of the lost son, who we now call the Prodigal. The younger of two sons who asks his father for his inheritance, which basically was telling his father that he was dead to him. He took that inheritance, went into a "far country" and wasted it all with "riotous living." We can only imagine what that "living" looked like, but it sounds a lot like addiction. But then a famine hits the land, the son is out of money, and he's eating with the pigs. He has hit rock bottom. "And when he came to himself"...what a great phrase!...he realized he was stuck and made the choice to go home, expecting to only be received by his father as a servant. But we know the rest of the story. His return was not only welcomed, it was celebrated! Dad threw a huge party for him! We know that the older brother, faithful and righteous, was angry about all this, and the story ends in verse 32..."It was meet (necessary) that we should make merry, and be glad: for this thy brother was dead, and is alive again; and was lost, and is found."
We all know these stories / parables, but do we really believe them? What is the point that Jesus was trying to teach here? Although there are shelves full of books written by all kinds of scholars about these stories, especially about the Prodigal Son, the message seems rather simple. Both the Father and the Son, and all of Heaven, celebrate when anyone...ANY ONE...repents, "comes home," asks for forgiveness, and experiences redemption. Both the shepherd and the woman called their friends to share the good news! The father killed the fatted calf and invited everyone to his big party! Do we really believe Jesus when He tells us that God experiences incredible joy when one of us turns back to Him. Do we really believe He is eager to forgive...even me?
If you have read my story, you know I was that one sheep. I didn't just wander away, I ran away. I was that lost coin. And, above all, I was that Prodigal Son. I spent money I could not afford on my addictive behavior for many years and then ran away from home. But...God stopped me in my tracks, and He welcomed me home. He saved my life and gave me opportunities to repent, to change my heart, to become a new person, and to be forgiven completely. And I believe He celebrated it all. And yes, we had a party when I returned home from Desert Solace...
Had I gone too far and done too much? Was I too vile a sinner to be forgiven? Was I unredeemable and beyond the Savior's Grace? I had acted out in my addiction for years and had broken my temple covenants and marriage vows. I was in a dark place mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I felt that I was well beyond hope and that I was on my way to Hell, helpless to ever change. But then, all of a sudden, I wasn't. I found myself surrounded by light, by people who loved me and did not judge me, who wanted to help me and save me and allow me to "come to myself." I experienced Grace, Forgiveness, and Redemption. Apparently it wasn't too late and I hadn't gone too far or done too much. I could be saved! Who knew?!
There are plenty of stories in scripture about people who did some pretty horrible stuff and were later forgiven, saved, and redeemed. Alma the younger is definitely my favorite. In the book of Mosiah, chapter 27, we meet Alma, son of the prophet named Alma, and his friends, the sons of Mosiah, who was the king. Just imagine both the scandal and the heartbreak! Alma "became a very wicked and idolatrous man." He is later described as the "most vile of sinners." Long story short, this guy was a mess! Along with his friends he was "going about to destroy the church of God." We know what happened, right? Because of the prayers and fasting of his parents, an angel shows up and puts a stop to all of this. They fell to the earth in astonishment and were unable to speak. Alma told his son Helaman that he "was racked with eternal torment, for my soul was harrowed up to the greatest degree and racked with all my sins...I was tormented with the pains of hell."
At this point he thinks all is lost..."Oh, thought I, that I could be banished and become extinct both soul and body, that I might not be brought to stand in the presence of my God, to be judged of my deeds...And now, for three days and for three nights was I racked, even with the pains of a damned soul." Wow! There's no way this guy can be saved, right? He's gone way too far and done way too much! But wait...
Alma says that he remembered his father prophesy about Jesus Christ, a Son of God, who would come to atone for the sins of the world. What?! Jesus was just a prophecy for him. He had yet to be born and had yet to carry out the Atonement. And yet, with this one thought, Alma "Cried within my heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death. And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more."
What?! All he had to do was cry out to Jesus, ask for forgiveness, and in an instant his suffering was over! No repentance "process." Jesus just forgave him, and he knew it. Immediately and completely! And then what?
"And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!" And then he goes on to tell his son how the Lord had blessed him and supported him in his life after that experience. Later, in chapter 45, we're told Alma "departed out of the land of Zarahemla, as if to go to the land of Melek. And it came to pass that he was never heard of more; as to his death or burial we know not of. Behold, this we know, that he was a righteous man..."
So...Alma went from being a "vile" sinner to being a "righteous man?" How'd that happen? Jesus. And no doubt there was a party in heaven when he repented!
In April of 2014, Elder Boyd K. Packer said in his last general conference address..."The Atonement leaves no tracks, no traces. What it fixes is fixed...It just heals, and what it heals stays healed. The Atonement, which can reclaim each one of us, bears no scars. That means that no matter what we have done or where we have been or how something happened, if we truly repent, (the Savior) has promised that He would atone. And when He atoned, that settled that...The Atonement can wash clean every stain no matter how difficult or how long or how many times repeated."
Never forget, the Atonement of Jesus Christ is infinite, but most importantly, it is personal. The price is paid, the work is done. But, you might say, that works for everybody else, but not for me. You don't know what I've done! I'm unlovable, unredeemable, unforgivable. Except that you're not! What does Jesus ask of us? A broken heart and a contrite spirit. That's it? Really?! Yes, just that, along with enough faith to cry out to Him, "Help Me!" You might pray all night (Enos), you might be struck down (Saul/Paul), or you might be in a coma for three days (Alma). Or maybe not. But, you WILL be forgiven. You CAN be redeemed. You WILL be saved. And then you get to do the work going forward.
It might be the work of recovery, but it might just be the work of loving yourself and others in new and incredible ways. There is work to do, and you GET to do it, you don't have to do it. You get to live a life in the Light and live a life of constant gratitude and repentance. You get to forge a relationship with Christ and with other people that you never could have imagined before.
Bottom line? It does not matter what you have done or how far you have gone. Because there is nothing you can do that Jesus cannot fix, heal, forgive, or redeem. NOTHING. If the story in your head is telling you to give up, recognize where that is coming from and who wants you to give up. The enemy. Don't believe him. Tell him to get lost.
In April 2012, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said, speaking about the parable of the laborers..."Surely the thing God enjoys most about being God is the thrill of being merciful, especially to those who don't expect it and often feel they don't deserve it...However late you think you are, however many chances you think you have missed, however many mistakes you feel you have made or talents you think you don't have, or however far from home and family and God you feel you have traveled, I testify that you have NOT traveled beyond the reach of divine love. IT IS NOT POSSIBLE FOR YOU TO SINK LOWER THAN THE INFINITE LIGHT OF CHRIST'S ATONEMENT SHINES."
Do not forget...the only thing we can do perfectly is to not quit. You...and I...are not past the point of no return, because that point does not exist. The false belief that "I have gone too far and done too much" is just that...a false belief. It is not true. As Elder Kearon said, "God is in relentless pursuit of you."
I love the song "Reckless Love" by Cory Asbury. To finish, some of his lyrics...
"Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine
I couldn't earn it, and I don't deserve it, still, You give Yourself away
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God.
There's no shadow you won't light up
Mountain you won't climb up
Coming after me
There's no wall You won't kick down
Lie You won't tear down
Coming after me.
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God!"
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