"We may eventually learn that what's most important in this life is not overcoming weaknesses, but learning to love those who have them. It's the relationships that matter."
Joseph Grenny
"I believe people come into our lives as a blessing or a lesson, and it's up to us to figure out which is which."
From the movie "Mrs. Miracle"
You may remember that I wrote about that experience, and how it came to be, in a post dated October 10, 2021, over four years ago, entitled "Connection...and Family." In that, I wrote about how important connection with other people is to recovery, the story of how I was prompted to find my birth family, and the miracle of that connection.
Well, now there's more to the story! First, let me explain the above quote by Joseph Grenny, which he shared at the Restore conference last year..."The brochure is a lie." What's that mean? Well, the short answer is what we expect our families to be and what our families actually are like tend to be very, very different things. We might see a brochure with a smiling, happy family on it...Mom and Dad, a couple of kids, and a really cute dog, posing in front of the beautiful two-story house with the white picket fence around it. Everyone is smiling because everyone seems happy. But we have to admit, quite often that picture and that brochure is a lie. It's just not true, and it's just not how things really are. Our families tend to be messy at best, and at worst...seemingly irreparable. Real life is hard, and relationships are not just complicated, but many times toxic. Painful. Abusive. Parents can not only let us down, but they can also be destructive. The same for our sisters and brothers...
Ernest Kurtz wrote in "The Spirituality of Imperfection"... "it is the struggle that defines us...Our very brokenness allows us to become whole. To experience sadness, despair, tears, and howls of pain demonstrates not some violation or deficit of spirituality but rather the ultimate spirituality of acceptance." We all experience the struggles and bumps and bruises of life, but for some they can seem insurmountable! The only way around this pain is through, and that is where real growth can come from, and we can eventually flourish.
Miracles can, and do, happen! There is a reason 12 Step meetings are successful. They allow us to tell our stories, and they invite us to listen...with full attention...to the stories of others. There is such great power in that! They foster and create a connection we can find nowhere else. And it is my faith as a Christian that God not only heals us from our past but also redeems us. He is the Creator. He can take our messes and make them into something strong and mighty and even beautiful. That is the miracle. That is what I call Grace. He can and will heal...I have experienced that healing...but He won't stop there, if we allow it and do the necessary work...He creates something much better and much bigger. I believe there is a larger life waiting for each of us to step into, if we are willing.
This is the "rest of the story," and each of us has been forged in this crucible of family and is today not just surviving but thriving.
So...in these pictures above we see four brothers together for the first time ever, and we see another picture of extended family with daughters, nieces, a son, and nephew. And I now have the privilege of calling each one of these people family, and each has a story. As Katherine Wolf calls it, a "good hard story." And we know that it is our stories that have gotten us to this moment, that have shaped us and molded us, and that have brought us together. Of course, our stories continue to be written, but living in the awareness of our past, we get to help shape our present and our future differently and with intention...
My full brother Mike, who I first met about eight years ago, loves to play golf, as I do, and we have spent a good amount of time on the course playing together, and have taken some great golf trips. I had met my half-brother Wayne once, about seven years ago, at his then home in Dallas. And I heard about Wayne's younger brother Bob, who also lives in Dallas. A few months ago, I suggested to Mike we take a road trip to Texas and get all four brothers together. We planned it, and we did it!
Mike and I drove from St. George, Utah to Albuquerque, spent the next day playing golf, and then drove another nine hours to Bowie, Texas, and Wayne's forty-acre ranch. We arrived tired but excited, and were treated to the biggest, best ribeye steak ever! His ranch home is as beautiful as the surrounding countryside! The next day, the three of us drove into Ft. Worth for some awesome BBQ (way too much meat! :) and took a tour of AT&T Stadium. Very cool. We met Wayne's good friend John and had a great visit with him...It was a perfect day with two of my brothers...
The next day was the best though! In the morning Bob arrived from Dallas, there was an instant connection, and I loved him right away. During the next few days, we had some wonderful, deep conversations. He is introspective and soft spoken. What a moment! The four of us together for the very first time! Mike and his sister Paula had been adopted, as had I, but here we were...together. Ages 72, 71, 70, and 64! We each wondered what our birth mother Julia, was thinking right then in heaven...
After Bob arrived, Melissa, who is a niece from Oklahoma, got there. She is the one who messaged me through Ancestry.com that I might be related to her uncle Wayne. I so wanted to meet her and thank her! We also met Charisse, Wayne's amazing daughter, who works as a trauma therapist, and Marc, his son., who also lives in Oklahoma.
About noon, we were all gathered in the big living room, and Wayne invited us to share our stories for about forty-five minutes, with a Q and A after each share. They invited me to begin, so I did. Shared my story of growing up with an angel mom, being abused, eventually became an addict, and my story of hitting rock bottom, running away, and miraculously being brought home. And I shared Marilyn's and my recovery story and the work we do now...
I won't share anyone else's story, because they're not mine to share. But know this. Everyone in that room that day is a walking miracle! Each of us has suffered in some way, some more than others. Not one of us has gotten through life unscathed and undamaged. Not one of us grew up in the perfect family, and not one of us would be on the cover of that brochure! It was extremely emotional for me to be there and hear these life stories, and I felt so blessed just to be in the same room with each of them and feel their light and healing and strength. Each of them has overcome so much! And yet, there we were, talking, crying, and connecting in ways that I can't describe.
This group of people who I have discovered so late in life share several traits...Perseverance. Grit. The ability to push through. To not quit. To live life daily, letting go of the past...certainly not forgetting!...and with less worry about the future. They have each found success in different ways, and most with the help of the 12 Steps of AA. They live a recovery lifestyle, and they live very consciously as a result.
We broke briefly for sandwiches, and later for burgers at the cabin, which is just a short walk from the house. We finally finished sharing after nine that night! It was the best unofficial 12 Step meeting I've ever been involved with! No judgement, no shame. Just love and acceptance and support and compassion...
I grew up with one sister, and I love her dearly. And then, as I said, late in life I find that I am one of ten children! Not all of the ten have had happy endings...we have four sisters I will never get to meet. Two of them have passed away, and I am told the other two are still suffering from the abuse, addiction, and pain of very, very horrible childhoods. But...I am so grateful for each of my family who have overcome, who live in recovery, and have experienced some healing in their lives. I so admire them! And with my sister Diane, I'm actually one of eleven! Crazy!
So, yes, an emotional week. We spent time walking on the ranch, BBQing burgers at the cabin, shopping at NRS, the biggest Rodeo store in the world (I'm guessing!), and listening to lots of Texas country music! One thing about Wayne...he is 100% Texas cowboy!
The picture above is the sunrise on the morning we left to drive home. Just beautiful!
Mike and I spent a couple of wonderful days in Santa Fe, New Mexico on the way home, with Susan, Wayne's former wife. An absolutely amazing person and so welcoming to a couple of road weary guys heading back to Utah! And when we left Susan's home, which sits on a beautiful hill above Santa Fe, once again as the sun was just coming up, Mike surprised me by asking to offer a prayer. And he did, and it was beautiful. We were both in tears. We are both so grateful for family, some new and some old, and the connection and love we felt and experienced on that trip. I really have no words that can explain how I feel, but I'm emotional again as I type this. We...this family...are each so different, with such distinct stories, and yet with stories of restoration and redemption. Sometimes real life can end up being even better than the brochure...
An important sidenote...Mike and I spent eighteen hours in a car together as we drove two thousand miles and didn't turn on the radio once! We talked, and talked, and talked some more. After all, it's all about connection, right?
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