Jerri Jorgensen
"First, be charitable to others and myself - equally. This includes giving others unconditional love-as Jesus would-no matter how much we might disagree with their choices. It also means I must love and respect myself.
"Second, God gave me a voice, and he expects me to use it appropriately and respectfully, with the guidance of the Spirit...
"Third and most important, God's love is perfect, absolute and unconditional, and the Savior's redemptive Grace is real."
Anita Stansfield "I Can Choose Joy with God"
Disclaimer...I write this only from my personal experience and study. Obviously I'm not a therapist or an expert, and I like to say that the only things I know for sure are what I've experienced. So...I am only an expert in my own recovery.
In our Thursday night Addiction Recovery Program couple's meetings, we use two manuals..."Healing Through the Savior: the Addiction Recovery Program 12-Step Recovery Guide" and the "Support Guide: Help for Spouses and Family of Those in Recovery." As a group, we spend twelve weeks in the 12-Step Guidebook and then transition for the next twelve weeks to the Spouse and Family Support Manual, which is an incredible opportunity for recovering addicts (usually, but not always, husbands) to begin to understand the principles of recovery for their wives and family members, and also for the spouse of the addict (usually wives) to work through the 12 Steps in a group and on their own. We work our own separate recovery journeys, and at the same time we travel that path together as a couple.
Principle 8 in the Spouse and Family Support manual is entitled "Be Firm and Steadfast...Setting Boundaries to Protect Ourselves and Our Families." This topic always...ALWAYS...leads to lots of questions and discussion. Usually more than we have time for.
When Marilyn and I were first married, at the age of 22, we were, as I like to say, young and stupid. I know, that's kind of harsh, but also pretty true. If you had asked us what a boundary looked like in marriage, we would have had no clue. And in fact, if you had asked us the same question twenty-five years later...still no clue. As I've mentioned before, once Marilyn found out about my "problem" with porn, we really didn't talk about it. Once in a while she would bring it up, ask how I was doing, and I would say "fine," and refuse to discuss it...even though I was an addicted mess. So, no boundaries and no discussion. No consequences for my behavior, and no plan to keep me sober and her safe. We just allowed that undercurrent of distrust, disappointment, and resentment to slowly simmer and fester below the surface of our married life. Of course, eventually something had to give, and it did...in a big way!
As I was getting ready to leave Desert Solace, after ninety days of treatment, growth, and recovery, I met with Ryan, the clinical director at that time, and he asked me to make a list of boundaries that would help keep me sober. He also asked Marilyn to make a list of her boundaries that would help both keep me sober and keep her safe...safe from further trauma. As we met together my last weekend there, and compared our short lists with Ryan, we were both amazed at how similar they were. We both knew where the weakness had been, and we both knew what was needed for real recovery once I got home and going forward. We had even agreed on the consequences of broken boundaries.
Is it always that easy for a couple? NO. The discussion around boundaries, what they are, how to discuss them, how to implement them, the possible consequences, and sometimes the hardest part...enforcing them...is difficult. Really, really difficult. But...for real recovery to happen, both for individuals and for couples and families, boundaries are critical and cannot be ignored. It was easier for us simply because I was in solid recovery and had so many amazing, foundational experiences at Desert Solace, and I was willing...more than that, I was hungry...for sobriety and long term recovery. I so wanted the joy that I had experienced the past few weeks, and I knew that a life without some solid boundaries would never work for me.
It's easy to say that boundaries are rules, but really they are more than that. Much more. Here are some definitions...
"Boundaries in recovery are limits that people set for themselves to protect their well-being and maintain sobriety. They can be physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual, and can help people establish healthy habits, manage emotions, and maintain positive relationships. Boundaries can also help people define who they are and ensure relationships are safe and respectful."
Another from "The Tools of Recovery"...
"Rigorous honesty...includes...willingness to be honest about what we need to do to stay sober, such as setting healthy boundaries around specific people and places."
And from 'Voices of Recovery"...
"I realized that healthy boundaries govern all my relationships. Who is it safe to interact with, and to what extent? What am I reasonably expected to give, and when is it appropriate to use self-care and say no? Is someone trying to take advantage of me, or am I trying to take advantage of someone? My Higher Power does not want me to be a bully or a doormat. Now when I interact with others, I check my motives. Am I aligned with my Higher Power...?"
One more from "Sex Addicts Anonymous"...
"Boundaries may also be limits we set and maintain with others in our lives. We learn how to let other people know how we wish to be treated and what kinds of behavior we will and will not accept. Unless we accept personal responsibility for establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries in our relationships, we run the risk of harboring resentments or casting ourselves in the role of victim."
Boundaries are not just a set of rules about what we cannot do. They may not be only about our behaviors. They can be about those things that we can and must do to remain in recovery and sobriety, and to remain safe. Boundaries work better when they are agreed upon by a husband and wife, parent and child, spiritual leader and church member, therapist and patient. There have been real instances when, for example, a wife has had multiple pages of boundaries waiting for her husband as he comes home from an inpatient treatment center. Guess what? That didn't work out very well.
But...we don't live in a perfect world, and many times boundaries must be set by a spouse or family member that simply may not be agreed upon, but must be enforced strongly to keep them safe from addictive and damaging behavior. We talk all the time about the wreckage we leave behind as addicts, and when we are not solidly in recovery, that wreckage may continue. Safety is always the priority, and sometimes it can be really difficult to enforce consequences of broken boundaries with someone who seems to fighting a losing battle. But it has to be done... Never be afraid to ask for help in this.
As I mentioned, healthy boundaries include those things we WILL do in order to be sober and safe. Boundaries around self care, daily study, church attendance, communication and daily check-ins, physical intimacy, meeting attendance, interviews with church leaders and therapists, and so much more. Without question, when relapse happens, it's because there were no boundaries or set boundaries were broken. Healthy boundaries are not weapons. Healthy boundaries must be centered in, and surrounded by, Grace. Once again, if we use a boundary to threaten, intimidate, or accuse someone, it will only breed anger and resentment. If we wrap boundaries up in emotion, and attach a made-up story to our boundaries, they just won't work. They must be clear, concise, and very real...with consequences that can be followed up on and enforced.
One of our favorite couples to ever attend our ARP meeting agreed on this boundary...If Jim (not his real name) brought pornography into the home, he had a time limit to tell Linda (not her real name), and the consequence was that he had to deep clean the house, since he brought dirt into it. It only happened once... Of course, you might say that in order to avoid a consequence, Jim simply wouldn't tell Linda about his "slip," and that might be true, but if he's serious about his own recovery, and living Step 1, he's going to tell her. And he did. And he cleaned the house...all day! The boundary worked...
The Spouse and Family Support Guide says...
"Our boundaries and consequences should be based on the principle of agency - they must be centered in what we CAN and WILL do, rather than on what we want or expect someone else to do. Boundaries and consequences should be clear and concrete. They should be inspired by and communicated with love, not with anger or as punishment...We must understand that our boundaries are about our obligation to keep the second great commandment of LOVING OURSELVES as well as loving our neighbors."
So...once again, boundaries are NOT about control. Trying to control others will only lead to resentment, frustration, pain, and anger. Always. There is no Grace in control...
"Our boundaries are blurred when our desire to be loved and needed by others seduces us into becoming overly involved in their lives." "In God's Care" Daily Meditations
We've talked about healthy boundaries, but what might unhealthy boundaries look like?
"Unhealthy boundaries in recovery can include behaviors...or beliefs...that prevent you from making choices that align with your own goals for a healthier life." Often those types of unhealthy boundaries involve:
Impulsive behavior. People pleasing ("happy wife, happy life") (posing). Ignoring personal needs (victimhood). Feeling guilty about saying no. Feeling responsible for others' feelings or actions. Manipulating or controlling others. Continuing behaviors despite negative consequences. Belittling yourself (false humility) or others (pride). Compromising your beliefs.
Setting boundaries as a couple or as a family is always most effective when done together with a counselor or therapist. Of course, that's not always possible, but is certainly best.
I have often told the story shared with us in Desert Solace by Kyle, who worked there and was an alumnus. He was invited to speak to a group of church sisters about addiction and recovery in a fireside one evening, and at the end of his presentation was able to answer some questions. One sister tearfully, and vulnerably, shared her difficult story of neglect and disrespect by her husband, and Kyle, without even hesitating, told her to stop showing up as a doormat. Now, that was kind of brutal, but you had to know Kyle. He was blunt and never pulled punches. And he was right...this sister apparently had no boundaries. Understand this...living without boundaries, in any situation...at home, at work, with children, with friends and neighbors, or anyone...will easily turn you into a victim. Every addict considers himself or herself a victim...it's always someone else's fault. Every addict's family and spouse considers himself or herself a victim...to their loved one's addictive behavior, and the wreckage they are inflicting on everyone around them.
And...so many people live in victimhood just living their everyday lives. They are victims to their spouse, their job, their boss, their ecclesiastical leader, their neighbor, a political leader, their own poor choices, and so much more. This list is endless. Why? Because they are living without boundaries in their lives, they are showing up as doormats, and they are willing to suffer rather than to simply say "That doesn't work for me." But once again, the perfect balance is strength and Grace...to set and hold boundaries while living in Grace and giving Grace as we live each day. As mentioned before, living commandment #2 in not about being a wimp, but is about successfully living within both God's boundaries and our personal boundaries, and wrapping that around Grace and Love...for ourselves and others. Living in Light is expansive and joyful, and as we practice setting, communicating, and holding firm in our boundaries, we can experience freedom and joy. Each of us is worthy of being happy and safe. As Amy said on the "Unashamed Unafraid" podcast..."Our worth is set. Everything else is just experience."
To finish, I'd like to share this from Elder Dale G. Renlund from April 2020...
"If you act on His words and listen to Him, remember, joyfully and reverently, that the Savior loves to restore what you cannot restore; He loves to heal wounds you cannot heal; He loves to fix what has been irreparably broken; He compensates for any unfairness inflicted upon you; and He loves to permanently mend even shattered hearts." It's never too late for healing and never too late for boundaries.
We sometimes make the mistake thinking that Jesus just loved everyone and had no boundaries. Yes, He did...and does...love everyone, but His boundaries are evident everywhere in scripture. Yes, he heals us, but then says "Go and sin no more." His healing, and His Atonement, work only within the boundaries set by Him, and our lives...especially in recovery...will only work within the boundaries set both by Him and by ourselves. Be strong, be safe, be happy...
Comments
Post a Comment