Tiger Woods
"You don't show up on game day and expect to be great. Greatness happens in practice. You have to expect things of yourself before you can do them."
Michael Jordan
"There is a pursuit that is worthy of devotion...it is something our souls long for; the life we've always wanted. It is the quest for what might be called a well-ordered heart...
"When the heart is well-ordered, we are not only increasingly free from sin, but also increasingly free from the desire to sin. If the heart were truly well-ordered, we would love people so much we would not want to deceive or manipulate or envy them. We would be transformed from the inside out."
John Ortberg
A well-ordered heart? Sounds a lot like recovery to me, but it also sounds like a healthy life. Anyone's life...emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually well-ordered. Of course, any addict will tell you that in the middle of addiction there is nothing well-ordered about any part in their life. They are broken and hurting, trying to fill a God-sized hole in their heart with anything that might reduce the pain. We know the "why" of working toward this well-ordered heart and life...peace beyond understanding...but many times the "how" can really get in the way. How do I go about pursuing this? I know what I want, and I know why I want it, and I've had some discussions with God about it, but I'm still struggling with the "how."
Recovery, like life, must be practiced. I love to play golf, but the problem with being a golfer is that to be successful on the course you need to spend time on the driving range and the putting green...practice. Really, it's hilarious that so many golfers...myself included...might play the game once a week, or two times a week, or maybe only once a month, and invest little to no time practicing. And then they act surprised, or get angry, after every bad shot or missed putt! If their intention is just to go out and have fun with their buddies, and the quality of golf really doesn't matter, that's fine. But our expectations of success must be tempered, and aligned, with time spent in quality practice, and maybe some coaching from a professional.
What made Tiger Woods arguably the best golfer ever? Well, he began when he was a young boy, he received coaching his entire career, and practiced incessantly for hours, literally hitting thousands of golf balls while dialing in his swing with every club. He was the best because he worked the hardest.
What about the best basketball player ever...Michael Jordan? Did he just show up one day and begin to make amazing clutch baskets, lead the NBA in scoring, win a few MVP awards, as well as six NBA championships? No. Michael was cut from his high school team, and as a result was determined to practice as much as it took to become successful. He was the first guy in the gym and the last one out. He was open to coaching and learning in that process, and was willing to put in the time, even late in his career. Yes, he was supremely talented, but his talent alone would never had been enough...
So, once again, we go back to the question asked of Nephi..."What desirest thou?" What do you want? How badly do you want it? What are you willing to do to get it? That is always the beginning of recovery, but that question...and the answers...are how we live an intentional life. "Willing" is always the key word, because if we aren't willing to do our part, and put in the work of living life and living in recovery, it's not going to happen. Recovery only works when it is practiced...daily. Every day. And we do that by beginning each day with our "dailies." Almost without exception, when we hear the story of someone who has slipped or relapsed, it happened because they skipped a day. And then another. And then another. They lost their intention, they lost their focus, and they began to drift. And drifting through life does not work. And especially for solid, long lasting recovery...
What are dailies? Our therapist at Addo Recovery, David Thompson uses the acronym "GAMES" to describe what dailies are...
...GRATITUDE
...AFFIRMATION
...MINDFULNESS
...EXERCISE
...STUDY
Dailies are how we start the day...every day. It is "alone" time, and it includes all five steps of the "GAMES."
GRATITUDE. Begin by keeping a journal, and in that journal each morning write down two or three things you are grateful for. Gratitude must be practiced, and doesn't some naturally to most of us. Don't worry, you're not going to run out of things to be grateful for. They can be big things and they can be small things. Maybe you're grateful for running into a friend from high school yesterday. Maybe you're grateful for a breakthrough you experienced in last night's twelve step meeting. Or maybe it's just because you were able to get out of bed this morning. The list is endless, but without intentionally being aware of these things and without writing them down, and without telling God "Thanks," they will probably just go unnoticed. Practice GRATITUDE every day. As you do that, you'll begin to live a life of "get to" instead of "have to," as we've talked about before...
AFFIRMATION. What is this? A good definition is..."short positive statements or phrases that can help people in recovery (or any person) change negative thoughts and beliefs, and promote a more positive mindset. They can help people feel more confident, hopeful, and motivated, and can encourage them to keep moving forward." An affirmation might be a completely new belief about yourself, about God, or about your relationship to Him or to your family. As addicts, we have been filling our mind and our heart with false beliefs...ideas that simply are not true. "God is so disappointed in me." "God hates me." "If other people knew the real me, they'd hate me too." "My spouse will never forgive me." "My parents will never forgive me." "I'm so worthless." "I'll never be enough." Etc., etc., etc...
There are so many false beliefs that we mistakenly come to think are true, and we need to change them...to replace them with beliefs that actually are true, and to begin to trust them. So how do we do that? Once again, practice. Write an affirmation, probably with the help of your therapist, mentor, sponsor, or spiritual leader. It might be something as simple as "God loves me just as I am," or "I am a beloved son/daughter of God." Tape it to your bathroom mirror and look in that mirror every day, repeating aloud what you have written. Head up, shoulders square, looking yourself in the eye. You can post a copy in your car or on the fridge. But if you are going to learn, and believe, new realities about yourself and who you are, this is a great practice. Change the affirmation on a regular basis, depending on your progress. But if you're going to tell yourself stories, keep them real and positive...while building both the humility to depend on God and the confidence to push through difficulty.
MINDFULNESS. Meditation. Quiet time. Peaceful time.
How do we do this? Well, it's not an easy thing to do. We live in a world of distractions and noise, and while we read the scripture "Be still and know that I am God," most of us are pretty lousy at actually doing this. Being still is hard work, and takes...you guessed it...practice. There are all kinds of guided meditations available online, and many of them are wonderful. Meditation can be a five minute exercise, or can last all day. In fact, there are meditation retreats where no words are spoken for a week.
Author and meditation teacher, Thomas McConkie, wrote this..."There is always an abundance of divine guidance available at any given time. Sometimes we're just tuned to the wrong channel." And then he invites us into a meditation session..."Slow down and breathe. Give yourself a moment to drop into sensation more fully by taking some nice, deep breaths...
"For the moment, let go of any mental content...let it be in the background of your awareness. Feel through the body. Notice how you feel in the moment. Hold an intention to remain in sensation..."
And then he says..."This is not an easy practice. To take our foot off the gas pedal of the thinking mind and start to coast to a standstill is a new skill for many of us."
Well, it was definitely a new skill for me as I began to practice it, but I have discovered the incredible benefits and connection this practice can provide. It raises awareness and connects us to the Spirit in ways that are not possible otherwise. Life is not just a series of distractions designed to entertain us. It is meant to be lived with intention and in alignment with our Higher Power. Sometimes the Spirit will thump us on the head, but most of the time it's a "still, small voice" that, while always there...always striving with us...cannot be heard if we aren't paying attention.
EXERCISE...Self care. As an addict I pretty well despised myself most of the time, and many addicts tend towards the opposite of self care and begin to purposely harm themselves physically. They don't sleep well, or enough, do not eat well, abuse alcohol or drugs, binge on sugar or caffeine, and simply have no respect or love for their physical selves. To live in successful recovery, renewed respect and care for my physical self was, and still is, crucial. An important part of my ninety days at Desert Solace was time spent at the gym...almost every day...and some pretty strenuous hikes in the red rock country of Southern Utah. Eight hours of sleep every night, with lights out at 10:30 and out of bed at 6:30 in the morning. Imagine that...scheduled sleep!! I ate very well there, and burned off every calorie every day. And as a result, I felt better physically than I had in many years.
Our physical health is just as important as our mental, emotional, and spiritual health. Respect for ourselves, and our bodies, is crucial for recovery and for life. A healthy body gives us the energy needed to engage in the recovery process. It enhances our ability to "push through" the inevitable challenges that come our way, and bolsters our resilience when we experience setbacks. And our physical health directly impacts our mental and emotional well-being, and supports emotional stability and stress management. Exercise and self care just work, and also allow us to respect ourselves in recovery. Some kind of exercise, as well as enough sleep and proper diet, is a crucial component of our dailies...So hit the gym, take walks, eat better, sleep well. Our body is not our enemy, but is a critical piece of recovery and a joyful life...
STUDY. What are you reading? Maybe the better question is, are you reading at all? What are you learning? What new thing did you learn yesterday? When was the last time you had an "AHA!" moment in your life?
One of the amazing things about my own recovery is how much I have learned, realized, and experienced. I just had this incredible desire to learn while I was at Desert Solace, and I was so hungry for it! I read the scriptures with new eyes and new understanding. I read general conference talks, and loved them, maybe for the first time ever. I read books by Eckart Tolle, Bob Goff, M. Catherine Thomas, and other inspired authors. It's hard to explain, but it was almost like Joseph Smith's experience of "pure intelligence" just flowing into me. And it's continued for the past seven years! It's so fun to find a new book, usually by an author I don't know, and discover new ways to look at life, God, addiction, and recovery.
Now, you might be saying "that's not my experience." Maybe you don't like to read or study. That's fine, but know this...whether you're listening to an audio book or some other form of study, continued learning is critical for lasting recovery. So you are invited every morning to read, or listen, to something helpful for both your recovery and your spiritual life. Scriptures are important, but there is much more. Have a good daily devotional book or two to read each morning, or listen to a podcast...there are only a million to choose from! Listen to, or read a talk or sermon from a religious leader. Listen to a motivational speaker, a TED talk, or anything that will help begin your day on a solid, positive note. STUDY is crucial. Every day. There is so much to learn...and I've come to understand that knowledge is one of the bedrocks of my recovery. It will be for you, too...
In addition to the "GAMES" each morning...our "dailies"...there are other things that can be done.
CHECK-IN. It is a great idea, especially for a married couple, to check in with each other in the morning, and again in the evening. Of course, this calls for complete honesty and vulnerability, as we share how we are feeling emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally. We can share our intention for the day, what we have planned, where we will be during the day, and commit to check in by phone at certain times to keep us safe. In the evening, we can share how our day went, how we're feeling in each area again, and talk about how we kept...or didn't keep...our commitments from that morning.
This is an awesome daily practice, especially in early recovery, that will help us with expressing and communicating our thoughts and feelings, and help hold ourselves accountable for our behavior.
What about for someone not married? The same thing can be practiced with a parent, sponsor, mentor, good friend, or religious leader. Find that person who will be honest and provide the necessary support.
Learning to communicate clearly, and to also communicate without judgement, is a key to sustainable recovery. And it takes practice!
PRAYER. Kind of obvious, right? The original Twelve Steps were designed around our belief in a Higher Power...and whoever that may be for you, communication is critical. For those of us who believe in a Father, and a Savior, the only way to have any kind of real relationship with Them is have conversations with Them. We've been asked to pray always. Always? Really? I believe that is the practice of living with a believing heart and mind, and even in the middle of the day we can have those quiet conversations as we think about Them. Prayer helps keep me in alignment with Them. Prayer holds me accountable. Prayer allows me to say thanks and live with gratitude. Prayer can always accompany my meditation time in the morning. I have found it really, really hard to act out in addiction after spending time in prayer to begin the day...
Unfortunately, many of us have grown up in a faith tradition that has taught us certain steps of prayer, and formal language to use in prayer. Why? Why do we have to have a formula to talk with God? Well, maybe we don't. I can just talk to Him as I would converse with my dad (although I never did have a decent, important, honest conversation with my dad, so that part is difficult for me), or a friend (easier), or anyone who I know really loves me, despite all the poor choices I've made. I can drop the formalities and just talk. And most importantly, I can stop treating God as my personal Butler (just asking for things for ME), and begin, as David A. Bednar has suggested, asking God what HE WANTS FOR ME. That is a different kind of conversation...
As Richard Rohr has said, "Prayer is not primarily saying words or thinking thoughts. It's an encounter and a life stance. It's a way of living in the Presence, with awareness of the Presence, and even enjoying the Presence."
I love Boot Camp prayer, where we stand in a circle with other men, arms over each other's shoulders, and pray like we mean it. We share our gratitude for everything, and especially for each other. We acknowledge our challenges, our emotions, and our weakness, and then we just pray for each other. Not formal. No formula. Just honest and raw and wonderful. Best prayers ever...
Our dear friend Tracy told the story about praying for her son, and after so much heartache, and so many prayers, she just didn't know what to pray for anymore. So she just asked God to tell her what to pray for. And He did! It was life changing for her...
So we get to check in with our Friend every day...many times a day. As we're honest, and then as we are quiet and listen for Him to answer, it will change our lives and strengthen our recovery.
Our daily practice does not need to be routine or repetitive, but does need to happen every day. Mix it up...include music and choosing an intention for the day. There are many ways to accomplish this, and there are many ways to keep it fresh. If you're not sure what you'd like your "dailies" to look like, ask someone for help and advice. The important thing is to begin now, and then tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that. This is not something you HAVE to do...it is something you GET to do! This daily practice will expand your mind, enlarge your heart, strengthen your soul, and forge a recovery that cannot be broken. You will be the "new" person you'd like to become.
This is how we PRACTICE recovery...
To finish, this again from Richard Rohr..."Practice is an essential reset button that we must push many times before we can experience any genuine newness...Practice can literally create new responses and allow rigid ones to show themselves. Mindless repetition of any practice, with no clear goal or clarity of intention, can in fact keep us quite unconscious - unless the practices keep breaking us into new insight, desire, compassion, and an ever-larger notion of God and ourselves."
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