Brian McClaren
"In this world, maybe a self is not a truth waiting to be discovered so much as a constant construction zone. Like any road, the way I express myself can link me to other people and things, but there are always going to be some potholes and orange cones along the way." James Goldberg
Labels. How easy is it to just label someone or something with a single word or phrase? And how much easier is it to do that to ourselves? And how easy is it to believe the labels given to us by others, even when they might be well intentioned? We live in a world of labels and in a world of assumptions. We live in a world of supposed stereotypes, and we do it to ourselves all the time.
Were you ever called lazy as a child or a teen? How about the opposite...a "go-getter" or "he's so full of energy?" Were the A's on your report card celebrated to the point that anything else was considered an absolute failure, and the pressure you felt was too great to bear? How about the opposite...you were never a good student, really did not care, or maybe had some learning disability that was never diagnosed, and you were just called and considered stupid? And, once again, you naturally lived up to that expectation? Even worse, did you suffer abuse of some kind...verbal, emotional, physical, or even spiritual? Or all of the above. because they are all intertwined? And what stories have you made up about yourself as a result? Have you believed it was all your fault?
Buddhist teacher Kyodo Williams writes, "The movies we replay in our heads - held onto from lives past - cause us to recycle stories that no longer serve us, if they ever did. We run these stories over and over again, and like hamsters on a wheel we go nowhere in our inner life development, and as a result we suffer as adults from the wounds of our childhood. Slowly these toxic stories crowd out the potential for the joy and ease that is the birthright of every human being..."
All through our young lives we are labeled. Sometimes those labels are designed to motivate, and many times they're not designed for anything at all. But they just tend to tear us down and wear on us. Even the so-called positive labels..."she's such a good girl," or "he's so handsome"...will eventually wear us down and wear us out because of the high expectations that come along with them. And as we get older we do not necessarily get any wiser, still believing the labels of our childhood and our youth, and then making up stories about the new ones we acquire in our careers, our marriages, our church life, and in our other relationships. Of course, as addicts, the stories we have made up so often become our lifeblood...what we truly believe about ourselves...and everything that happens to us, or around us, in our lives tends to just confirm the false beliefs we live by. Our narrative becomes "that's just the way I am." "My father struggled with this, and I'm just like him...even though I don't want to be like him. I just can't help it." "My first grade teacher told me I was stupid, and I've made so many lousy choices in my life that it's obvious she was right about me!" And so on, and so on, and so on...And to be clear, we all do this, not just addicts, and we all will find some way to cope and manage whatever pain comes with our false beliefs. These self-limiting beliefs so often cause us to live below who we really are, and who we can become.
I recently listened to an episode of the "Unashamed Unafraid" podcast, in which Steve, Chris, and James discussed the reality of these labels and how debilitating they can be. A few mentioned are...
1. Everybody who is an addict is non-functional and they cannot hold down a job or lead a family.
2. Don't let anybody know the truth because you are unlovable, irredeemable, and not worth saving.
3. Once an addict, always an addict...real change is not possible.
4. The husband is a always a villain, the wife is just a victim.
In this conversation, it was pointed out that people who make these assumptions, promote these stereotypes, and hold these beliefs just don't know Jesus. Because anyone who knows Him, who believes in Him, and actually believes Him, knows that He can heal anything and anybody. When Jesus healed the leper, he was no longer a leper. When he healed the man at the pool of Bethesda, that man could walk. When He gave sight to the blind, they could see. So why would we think that He could not heal us? Why would we ever think that Jesus Christ cannot heal an addict...or anyone struggling or hurting in any way...and bring him or her out of darkness into light? And why would we not believe that He can permanently transform and redeem each of us now? Right now? In this life, at this time? If we exist to have joy, why would we have to wait for that?
Yes, in recovery we have work to do. When Jesus fed the five thousand, he took the few loaves and fishes brought by a boy and turned them into enough food for all, with a lot left over. But...someone had to catch the fish. Someone baked those loaves of bread. The boy brought them. There was some effort involved. But Jesus took what they had, and what they had done, and multiplied it many times over. That is what He does for us! We do what we can. We study, we attend meetings, we pray, we agree to boundaries and do our best to live within them, we become accountable for our lives and our behavior. There is plenty to do. But...we cannot do it alone. It is Grace that provides the path and gives us the strength we sometimes don't have. And it is Grace that allows us to face, and then shed, the labels we might have lived with for so much of our life.
So...what to do?
1. Take a deep dive into the labels you've carried and you're carrying now. Discover them, allow yourself the Grace to realize they are not you...and you are not them...and let them go. Work on that daily. Just because you come from a family that holds shame over your head like a weapon does not mean you must continue that. Just because you come from a family that never shared their feelings, and just glossed over anything negative, does not mean you need to continue that. Just because you came from a family of addicts, or abusers, or liars...or church leaders with expectations through the roof...does not mean you need to continue that. Be real about those labels and lose them.
2. Do not live for other people's approval. Sounds easy, but it's not. Of course we live in neighborhoods, work in small or large groups, worship in communities, and live in families...and we have written and unwritten "rules" or boundaries or expectations for our dress, our behavior, and even our results. So if we actually care for those people we live with...if we love them as we've been asked to do...then we'll live in accordance those boundaries. But...we can do that knowing the "why" of what we are doing or not doing. Are we choosing to do so out of respect for ourselves, for God, and for others, or are we craving the approval of those around us? Do we believe that we must earn God's love, and we need to live for His approval as well? If so, we're in trouble, and it will never work. The "why" of what we do is critical. So we shed the labels other people have for us, we lose our false beliefs, we accept accountability for our behavior, and we understand that our greatest purpose in all of this to bless other lives, not just our own.
3. Talk to yourself with respect. Be honest with yourself, but don't beat yourself up. As an addict, my self talk was so often toxic. There was a constant dialog in my head of resentment, anger, disappointment, and loathing, and I said things to myself that I would never say to another person. I built one false belief about myself on top of another on top of another...and on and on and on. My false beliefs about not being good enough were confirmed at every turn, and were just "me." I felt completely powerless. It took a lot of soul searching work while I was at Desert Solace to finally realize that those stories I'd been telling myself for so many years just simply were not true. I could show myself some mercy and some Grace. I was, in fact, good enough. And most importantly, God loved me, and His love was something I never had to earn. For me, that was not just transformative but revolutionary!
4. Do the necessary work. And that's different for everybody. Figure it out. Work with a mentor, a sponsor, a pastor, a bishop, your spouse, or all of the above. But know this...if you allow it, Jesus will take your work and magnify it beyond what you thought possible. He can, and will, heal you. He will heal your relationships, your marriage, your family, and you will see miracles in your life. Bake your loaves and catch a few fish, and then bring them to the party. He will do the rest...
5. Then re-label yourself! Son or Daughter of God! Rescued! Redeemed! On a new path! Disciple! Recovering! Strong enough! Smart enough! Good enough! Loved! Forgiven! Confident! Accountable! Aligned! Light! Honest! Open! Vulnerable! Saved! Recovered! This list of new labels is endless, and as we choose them...and it is a choice...we learn to act, and not to be acted upon. We understand that we are powerful creators, and we have the power to create our own heaven now. After all, we did create our own hell, right? Remember, re-labeling ourselves isn't just affirmative self-talk, or telling ourselves a better, happier story. It comes from deep inside, and is the result of both our sincere efforts and our surrender to Him who makes all the difference. It's very real, and is really a difference maker for each of us. We stop giving our power away, and begin to live a transformative life. Other people will see the light in our eyes and feel our renewed energy, and we will be a difference maker in their lives.
Don't forget that when Lehi had his dream, he began in the wilderness, in a wasteland. And he "traveled for the space of many hours in darkness." In other words, Lehi was lost. How long have some of us been walking in circles in that same darkness? In some kind of wasteland and wilderness? Finally Lehi stopped and prayed. Only then was he able to not only escape his darkness, but to find this amazing tree, which we know represents the love of God. What's the point? Many of us are lost, or have been, but with some effort and some prayer and some Grace we don't have to stay there. Whatever we've come to believe about ourselves can be discarded...and replaced by the "peace of God, which passeth all understanding." His love is free, available, and abundant. There is plenty of fruit on that tree, and it doesn't run out or have an expiration date on it. But it's up to us to wake up and see it. Sometimes the labels we carry around with us are like the flaxen cords and chains talked about in scripture...they keep us from seeing things "as they really are," and seeing ourselves as we really are, and they rob us of our ability to choose something better.
Remember...addiction is escaping reality at all costs, and that reality...which really isn't real...comes from the stories we make up because of the labels we've attached to ourselves, and the agreements we've made because of what we've been told, taught, and believed. But continuing recovery is facing reality at all costs. We cannot pre-judge the present, or the future, based on our past. We can learn from the past, but cannot afford to be frightened by it. As Lynne Clark always taught..."The past is just fertilizer. It helps us grow." Never assume the future will reflect the past, because no experience will be the same as it was the last time. So as we live each day as a new adventure, and we are open to new experiences, life becomes amazingly light...even when it's difficult.
And finally, I love these lyrics from the beautiful song "Priceless" by For King and Country...
"Mirror, mirror on the wall
Telling those lies, pointing out your flaws.
That isn't who you are,
That isn't who you are.
It might be heard to hear,
But let me tell you dear...
If you could see what I can see,
I know you would believe.
That isn't who you are,
There's more to who you are.
So when it's late, you're wide awake, too much to take,
Don't you dare forget that in the pain
You can be brave, hear me say...
I see you dressed in white,
Every wrong made right.
I see a rose in bloom, at the sight of you.
Oh, so priceless,
Irreplaceable, unmistakable, incomparable.
Darling, it's beautiful...
I see it all in you, oh so priceless!
No matter what you've heard,
This is what you're worth...
More than all the money or the diamonds or pearls,
This is who you are."
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