Nathan
"'Sir,' they say, 'we would {like to} see Jesus.' That is what we all want - we want to see Jesus for who He is and to feel His love."
Robert M. Daines
In our Thursday night couples' Addiction Recovery meeting, a young man named Nathan, who had been attending for just a few weeks, shared the idea of recovery being like driving a car. Of course, we'd love it to be the Ferarri I'm sitting in here, but most of the time it's not going to be a six figure sports car. And it doesn't really matter. Nathan's point was this...when we first learn to drive, we are very, very focused. Our hands are at the 10 and 2 positions on the steering wheel, the radio is off, we are super vigilant to obey the speed limit, and there's definitely some fear and uncertainty involved. It's a learning process, and we always learn best with an instructor.
But over time we get comfortable driving. The more we drive, and the more we practice, the less fear we have of messing up, the less worried we become, and it just becomes second nature to us. We don't consciously tell ourselves to hit the brakes at the stop light as we did when we were just beginning. We might have the radio turned on really loud as we're "drivin' down the highway." We are still aware of all that's going on...our surroundings, other cars, traffic, speed, direction, the instrumentation on our car, and we can even carry on a conversation with the passengers who are with us. We can be conscious and at the same time relaxed, and we can enjoy the drive and the ride. Just like living in recovery...
Early in that recovery journey we're struggling. On edge. Worried. Full of fear. Maybe wanting so badly to just not screw this up, but feeling so little confidence that it's going to last or turn out okay. It's so hard! And we ask, just as I did, "Why does it have to be so hard?!" The answer I got was that it was supposed to be that way. Fifty years of poor choices and addiction just doesn't disappear in a few weeks or even a few months. It takes time, effort, and hard work. It takes so much patience...with myself, with God, and with those who are supporting me. It takes a lot of consistent, daily practice. It is not just about stopping a behavior...or about being sober...it's about living life differently. And eventually, it's about driving that new car without thinking too much about it. Yes, constant awareness. Obeying the laws that are designed to keep me, and others, safe. Keeping the windshield clean and wipers in good repair. Changing the oil on a regular basis, and keeping gas in the tank. Really, all the maintenance required, and all the focus necessary to travel safely...but now it just comes so naturally.
So...what happens if I crash? What do I do if I have an accident? Well, hopefully injuries are minimal and the car can be repaired or replaced. But I will naturally be a little hesitant to drive again. I will though, because I don't want to spend the rest of my life taking the bus or asking friends for a ride. Once again, I'll begin to drive again, and once again I'll be hyper focused and kind of nervous getting behind the wheel again. But, over time, the confidence will return and I'll be able to relax into my driving again. Obviously a relapse is like a crash. They happen. And when they do, it's time to just begin again. Start driving again. Do not give up. Do not quit. And don't spend time torturing yourself about who's fault it was, or beating yourself up if it was yours. Doesn't matter. You can be accountable, learn from it and get back behind the wheel...
To continue with the driving analogy and take it a little bit farther...
In the October, 2023 general conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, Elder Robert M. Daines said this...
"You may struggle to see God as a loving Heavenly Father. You may look heavenward and see not the face of love and mercy but a thicket of rules through which you must wend your way. Perhaps you believe God rules in His heavens, speaks through His prophets, and loves your sister, but you secretly wonder whether He loves you. Perhaps you have felt the iron rod in your hand but not yet felt your Savior's love to which it leads...
"...I thought my life was about following rules and measuring up to abstract standards. I knew God loved you perfectly but didn't feel it myself. I'm afraid I thought more about getting into heaven than being with my Heavenly Father."
This was me! John wrote that "God is love." Drop the mic!! That's it! How, for so many years, did I not know that? I grew up in the church, but what I heard was duty, responsibility, and obedience. I don't remember anyone telling me that God simply is love. I probably heard that He loved me in some abstract way, but even then I thought that love had to be earned. But God is love? IS LOVE?! I remember hearing a lot about the iron rod, even singing about it, but as Elder Daines said, not so much about the Tree of Life, which represents the Savior's love. But really, isn't the Tree our focus? The rod is a tool...an important one...but it is not the destination. Love is the destination. How did I miss this?
So...David Butler, on his podcast, goes back to our driving analogy. We treat God like the patrol officer following us as we drive, with his lights on. We drive scared. We drive afraid of getting caught. We become hyper focused on the rules and laws of the road, and we believe that He is just waiting for us to screw up...to make an illegal lane change, run a red light, or break the speed limit. Of course those laws are in place to keep us, and others on the road, safe. Without them it'd be pandemonium...a complete mess. And if we choose to ignore them there's inevitable consequences to follow, and it won't be pretty. Damage, injuries, and possible loss of life. So the rules of the road are important. But...what if God isn't a cop just waiting to catch us doing something wrong. What if we really believed He IS love, and He just loves each of us? What if we actually lived that way? We could, and would, drive responsibly simply because it's the right thing to do, and He asks us to do it. We love Him because, as John once again tells us, He first loved us.
Instead of treating God as that cop, we can invite Him to sit shotgun with us and give us the directions and support we need to just keep going. It's what He wants to do. And He isn't a backseat driver...He won't condemn us, but he'll certainly tell us if we make a wrong turn along the way. If we're listening, we'll hear that. If we are paying attention. Course corrections are critical in both life and recovery, and resisting them never works. Welcome them and take His advice...they come because He loves us.
God's love is the bedrock of my recovery, and His continuing love and Grace keep me on my journey. In the song "Miracle Power," We The Kingdom sing this...
"I may not know what a day may bring, but I know who brings the day."
I have crashed and burned, and I've had some flat tires along the way. Sometimes it's a pretty bumpy road, and sometimes I might feel like I need some driving lessons. But I don't drive this road alone. I've invited my Savior to sit next to me in the front seat, along with an amazing group of people...from Desert Solace, 12 step meetings, church and my neighborhood, my family, and many others He has placed in my life...and as I focus not just on the rod, but on the Tree of His love and Grace, I can keep going. Recovery can become second nature...focused and relaxed at the same time. Keep driving. Don't get distracted. Follow the map. Ask for help. Accept His love and just live in it. It's gonna be an awesome trip...
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