THE ROAD BACK...

"The good news of the gospel is not just that we have accepted Jesus into our lives, but...that He as already accepted us into His."

       James and Judith McConkie

"In Christ, the future is given as though it had already come.  There's no reason to rush.  There's no reason to fear.  There's no reason to feel ashamed...There's room in the present for each thing to have it's season.  There's room for agency and creativity.  There's room for spirit.  There's space to breath.  There's time for love."

       Adam Miller

Yes, Marilyn and I attended church that morning, and although I can't tell you who the speakers were or what was said from the pulpit that morning, I do remember the feeling of being there.  It was where I was supposed to be, and I knew it...more that morning than ever.  Marilyn was worried a little.  What would people think when I just passed along the sacrament tray, but didn't take the bread or water?  Well, I just didn't care.  Gratefully I had learned early in recovery, in Desert Solace, to stop caring what other people thought of me.  Yes, be respectful to others, and learn to love them.  But do not let the fear of their opinions be the thing that causes shame or embarrassment, or motivates me to do or feel anything in my life.  The Spirit was in that meeting, and He was with me.

Did I worry about how long it might be before I would be able to be re-baptized?  Was I counting down the weeks and months?  No.  From the beginning I knew this was just a season of my life and I could be anxious about it, or I could be accepting of it, and I chose the latter.  I wasn't supposed to comment in classes or quorum meetings without specifically being called upon, but I didn't do well with that.  In recovery I just can't shut up, so after a slow start I began to comment as if nothing had happened.  Bishop Barton never mentioned it, so I just kept sharing...

There were a couple of awkward moments in classes where I was asked if I could give the prayer, and I just said no, but Marilyn could do it.  Nobody ever asked me why, or what was going on.  And once again, I wasn't worried about it.  

In June of 2018, about fourteen months after losing my church membership, Marilyn and I were on vacation in northern California.  I was on the golf course when my phone rang, and on the other end of that call was Matt Wright, our stake executive secretary, asking if I could come in for a visit with President Stevens.  Of course I said yes, and met with him after we got home a week later.  We had a great conversation, and he asked me if I would like to be baptized.  Marilyn and I were so excited!  And I was committed to the idea that this would be a celebration with family and friends.  I felt no shame in where I had been or choices I had made.  Most of our close friends knew our story and also knew of my excommunication and had been loving and supportive throughout the preceding months.

Bishop Barton had been cheering for me all along, and had visited with both Marilyn and myself on a consistent, regular basis throughout this time.  His complete support was amazing, as was his love and understanding, and we will always be grateful for him.  I never felt cast out or forgotten.  Ever.

June 30, 2018 was the day!  We invited about fifty people...family and friends...to join us at the church for this sacred ordinance, and to the party in our neighborhood afterwards.  Mark and Jerri came up from St. George, as did Lynne.  She was asked by me to speak, and the things she shared with us were beautiful.  Of course much of it was from the fifteenth chapter of John, in which Jesus talks about our dependence on Him and where He explains what alignment...with Him and the Father...looks like.  We spent hours at Desert Solace discussing that chapter, and it is one of my favorites.  Our son, Adam, baptized me, which was a very special moment for me.  Kristen's husband, Shayn, confirmed me a member of the church afterwards, and once again bestowed the "gift" of Holy Ghost upon me.  It was a wonderful day, and I was, and still am, so grateful for the love and support received by so many.  It was the official beginning of my "second half of life," and the opportunity to begin again.

If you are not a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, you might not really understand why this important at all, or why it's something I wanted, and needed, to do.  What's the big deal about baptism and belonging to the church?  Well, without spending a bunch of time discussing doctrine, let's just say this...

...Jesus taught that we must be baptized...born of the water...and it is important enough that even He did so.

...Baptism is a covenant which sets me apart as a disciple of Jesus Christ, and is the outward sign of an inward commitment.  And a prophet named Alma in the Book of Mosiah explains what this commitment actually means..."As ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and willing to bear one another's burdens, that they may be light; yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all places..."  That pretty well explains it!  Notice the word "willing."  It shows up a lot in the scriptures, and in the weekly sacrament prayer, because it's the key to everything.  Our willingness.  My willingness.  By being baptized again, I'm publicly demonstrating my willingness to just do the best I can.  To be willing, and to not quit.

...Being baptized is also the "thing" that makes my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ official.  Once again, I get to be part of that community of brothers and sisters who are also "willing."  It is rarely easy, and it is rarely smooth, but we just keep going, pulling each other along over the bumps and through the rocks.  Baptism opens the door to what we call the Covenant Path, which is really a way of life and a way of discipleship.  And my experience is that this way brings the most peace and the most joy...

As a "new" member of the church, I was able to receive callings to serve, and I was able to speak and pray  in meetings.  I made a personal commitment to share my testimony of Jesus,  and of His love and His Grace, every month in our testimony meetings, and I would also be the first one up each meeting.  I had experienced in a very real and a very profound way what that love and grace looked and felt like, and I could not keep quiet about it.  I was able to keep that commitment each month, until Covid 19 showed up and shut down our in-person meetings.  Maybe the members of my ward get tired of me saying pretty much the same things each month, but I do not get tired of sharing my relationship with the Savior.

Fast forward about fifteen months, and President Stevens, along with Bishop Barton, felt that the time had come for me to apply to have my blessings and priesthood restored.  When I lost my membership in the church, I also lost the priesthood which I held as an Elder, lost my temple blessings, and was no longer officially sealed to Marilyn.  To apply for that restoration, I, along with Marilyn, Bishop Barton, and President Stevens, were asked to write letters to the First Presidency of the church, telling them some of my story and where my life was now as a member.  At that time Marilyn and I were acting as facilitators of a couple's Addiction Recovery Program meeting, which we now help lead as missionaries, and I got to write that this was the best meeting in the church!  Anyway, we wrote the letters and then waited, knowing that it was a very real possibility that the answer would be "no, not yet."

But, near the end of October, 2019, I received the call we had been hoping for.  President Stevens had received a letter from the First Presidency approving the restoration of blessings and priesthood.  Wow!  That was SO exciting!  On the evening of October 29th, Marilyn and I met with President Stevens in his office...the same office where two and a half years previously I had laid bare my soul to him as an addict, a cheat, and a liar...and he read us that beautiful letter, and then laid his hands on my head, restored my priesthood and all previous blessings of the temple along with my sealing to Marilyn, and gave me a beautiful blessing.  I was back, and I was both amazed and grateful!

Here's what I learned above all else.  Grace is real.  Mercy is real.  God's love is real.  And when He says that He won't remember our sins if we truly repent, He really means it.  Every date on my church membership record reverted back to the original dates.  There is nothing...nothing!...in my membership record that indicates I was excommunicated, or re-baptized, or had blessings restored.  In those records, it is all forgotten.  As I have said before, I believe that as we regularly do the work of repentance...and it is work...that there will come a day when we sit down and have a conversation with Jesus, and when we bring up some of our stuff...our mistakes and poor choices...He'll say something like "I don't know what you're talking about.  I don't remember that.  You lived a life full of repentance, and I'm good with that."

In his awesome book "What's So Amazing About Grace?" Phillip Yancey says this...

Grace "must be received, and the Christian term for that act is repentance, the doorway to grace.  C.S. Lewis said repentance is not something God arbitrarily demands of us; 'It is simply a description of what going back is like.' ...repentance is the flight home that leads to a joyful celebration.  It opens the way to a future, to a relationship restored...I understand God's desire to press me towards repentance, the doorway to grace.  God seeks not to crush me, but to liberate me...

For the first time in my life, I felt liberated.  Is it easy?  No.  It's not designed to be easy.  But real growth never comes from easy.  Real experience with God never comes from easy.  Real conversion and real conviction never comes from easy.  So the road back lasted many, many months...and still continues today...but above all I have known that I never have to walk the road alone again.  His yoke really is much lighter than I had ever imagined...