"Grace is not God's backup plan."
Adam Miller
"Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more."
Doctrine and Covenants 58:42
"I used to think there were some prisons you couldn't escape from, but I know there's no place I can go where God can't rescue me."
Bob Goff
I've mentioned my experience of losing my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in a previous post, but have felt that maybe this story needs further detail and explantation...because the whole idea of excommunication (the language has changed since then - it is now called "withdrawal of membership) is greatly misunderstood in and out of the church. I know that I certainly misunderstood it for the better part of sixty years. Of course, all I know is what I have experienced, and everyone's experience is different. And I'm sure there are those in different faith traditions that don't understand this at all, but I ask you to continue reading so that you might understand...
I had been at Desert Solace for maybe three weeks when Ryan, who was the clinical director and therapist, in a meeting with me asked what my big three "unknowns" were. It didn't take me long to answer...number one was my marriage. I really did not know if Marilyn was going to stay with me, forgive me, or kick me to the curb. Number two was my standing in the church. I knew I had violated covenants I had made...beginning with my baptism, weekly taking the sacrament, and especially in the temple...where I had agreed to be faithful to my wife, and only my wife. And number three was my career. I naturally assumed Smith's was going to terminate my employment. You really can't just walk out of the store you lead in the middle of the day and disappear and there not be some serious consequences, right? I thought I was done there, but I really didn't know for sure.
So I didn't know what I didn't know, but even in that short time in recovery, I had discovered that worrying about the future didn't serve me well, and living in the past didn't work either. All I could focus on was that day, and doing my best that day...end every day...to impact my future the best way possible. So amazingly, I felt no fear about those "big three" and knew that they would work themselves out the way they were supposed to. That was a HUGE step in my recovery!
By the time I left Desert Solace and returned home on March 10th, 2017, I was actually looking forward with anticipation to be able to discuss all this with my bishop at the time, Bishop Barton. I was actually going to be able to bare my soul, be honest for the first time in so many, many years, and wherever that honesty lead I was willing to go there. I just wanted to be right with Jesus and with the church I had re-discovered in recovery. I was excited! So one of the first things I did was to make an appointment with Bishop Barton...
I spent an hour or so with him, and he just gave me the opportunity to really spill my guts...to tell him all of my story from beginning to end...and as I did that he just listened. The crazy thing is that for all those years of pornography use and sexual behavior, I vowed that I was not ever going to tell anyone about the things I had done or was doing. I was taking all of this to my grave. I also believed that just about the worst thing that could happen to anybody was being excommunicated from the church. How embarrassing, right?!
But as I began recovery, I soon discovered the feeling of freedom and light that I experienced as I got all that out of my system and shared it honestly with my family and my church leaders. As I had this discussion with my bishop, I could feel another layer of shame and heaviness peel away and allow some more light in. When I finished talking, Bishop Barton just smiled, looked at me and said "Thanks. When are we going to play golf together?" He then said that he would talk to our stake president, President Stevens, and that I would hear from him soon. This entire meeting was filled with love and grace and support...no shame and no blame.
It didn't take long to hear from President Steven's secretary, and he asked to visit with both myself and Marilyn. We showed up at his office, and he talked with Marilyn first and then with me. Once again, I recited all that I had done over many years of struggle and addiction, and was able to tell him about my experience at Desert Solace and what I had been learning and experiencing in recovery. I really did not know him well at all, but once again I could feel his love and support. It was clear that his intention was to help me, support me, and not to somehow punish me. Marilyn and I met with him at least three times, both individually and separately. He wanted to be sure that she was receiving the support she needed from her ward leaders and from the ward members, as well as her friends, and wanted her to also understand what was about to happen with me. He also wanted to be sure that I had held nothing back in terms of my confession...that all the "poison" was out in the open, and that I wasn't holding anything back that would come back to haunt me in the future. He was helping me to be sure my repentance was complete.
In one of our individual visits with President Stevens, he mentioned to Marilyn and then to me that most likely I would be excommunicated from the church...that I would lose my membership, and actually would no longer be a member of the church of Jesus Christ, Deep inside, we knew this was inevitable, but to hear it spoken out loud by him was devastating. We went home and cried...both of us. In our prayers that night, we cried some more. It was heartbreaking. But he had explained that the church has boundaries, just like the Savior has boundaries. In First Corinthians, chapter five, Paul is very clear about what should happen to those members who choose to violate the commandments/boundaries/rules/ of the church...They don't get to stay and be part of community. They are expelled. I know, it sounds kind of harsh, but it's not about punishment. One of my friends who is not a member of my faith, when I told him about my losing my membership in the church, commented that it just seemed that the church was pouring salt into my wound. That this wasn't going to help me in any way, but was going to make my life just that much more difficult. But I have discovered that the opposite is true...that losing my church standing was a blessing. An opportunity. A clean start. A new beginning. A very real chance to turn around and face my Savior and begin that journey of following Him...with a brand new way of seeing Him, myself, and other people. It was a clean break, and an opportunity for real healing, provided by His grace and His Atonement. It was not just the best way, it was the only way...
We were asked to be at the stake president's office at seven in the morning the next Sunday to meet with the high council (twelve men from the wards in our stake who serve with the stake presidency to help govern the affairs of the stake) in what used to be called a disciplinary council. That council is now called a 'church membership council." Both Marilyn and Bishop Barton were invited to be there with me if I wanted them. And I did. I will never forget the feeling as we walked into the high council room...all these men were singing a hymn, softly and gently, and the spirit of love was so strong. I was invited to sit at the head of a very long table, around which sat President Stevens, his two counselors, and the high councilmen. Just think...they were all there for me! Once again, not to punish me. Not to condemn me. Not to somehow make me feel "less than." They were there because they loved me, even though most of them didn't know me...but I knew they loved me. I could feel it...it was like a warm blanket and it felt great! President Stevens introduced Marilyn and me, explained why we were there, and then invited me to once again tell my story. So for the next forty-five minutes or so I shared who I was, what I had done, my rock bottom weekend, and how my life had been saved by my Savior's grace and my ninety days at Desert Solace. I was then asked a few questions, and then it was time for us to wait outside as they discussed my situation...
After I had finished I was able to go around the table and receive a hug from every one of those men. Some were in tears, and all whispered words of love and support. More grace. More mercy. More love. When Marilyn, Bishop, and I sat down in the waiting area I felt so light and so good! Even though I had shared my story with my church leaders and my family and some friends, I felt in that moment that another weight had been lifted off my shoulders and off my soul, and it felt so good! Crazy, right? I'm waiting to hear that I will be excommunicated, and yet I never felt so good!
After twenty minutes or so we were invited back in, and I was informed that I had indeed been excommunicated, and that my name would be removed from the records of the church. As a result I was not allowed to wear the temple garment...we had already purchased some new underwear...and I could not offer public prayers in church, speak in church (give talks, bear testimony, etc.), or take the sacrament. I was fine with all that...somehow I knew that this was all going to be ok. Eventually...
After we were done, Marilyn and I went home, had some breakfast, and then went to church. It was a great Sunday!
At Desert Solace, Lynne had told us about two men she was counseling who had been excommunicated from the church, and while it's believed that you lose the "gift" of the Holy Ghost when that happens, she felt that these men had that gift as strongly as ever. That was my experience also. I never felt abandoned by God, by Jesus, or by the Holy Spirit after losing my membership. And just as importantly, I never felt abandoned by my friends, neighbors, and fellow church brothers and sisters who knew what had happened. I felt no judgement and no shame. Just love. Just support.
I love Isaiah, chapter 1, verses 16, 17, and 18...
And I love verses 16 and 17 from "The Message" Bible...
"Go home and wash up. Clean up your act. Sweep your lives clean of your evildoings so I don't have to look at them any longer. Say no to wrong. Learn to do good. Work for justice. Help the down and out. Stand up for the homeless. Go to bat for the defenseless."
And then...verse 18 from the King James version...
"Come now, let us reason together, saith the Lord: Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool."
This could not be more clear...get your stuff together, straighten out your life, get it back on course, repent, work at it, change your heart and your intention, and then...I will forget everything you have done. And this is repeated just as clearly in restoration scripture...Section fifty-eight of the Doctrine and Covenants..."Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more." Think about that! Some day, when we are having a conversation with Jesus and we bring up some of the crap we did in our lifetime, but crap that we repented of and tried to make right, He's going to say "What are you talking about? I don't remember any of that!" That is real grace...
And by going through the process of a church membership council, and losing my membership, and having the opportunity to truly repent and start over, He has forgotten all of it...
This story isn't over yet, and there's more to come...
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