Meditations (Thinkr)
"Anxiety appears to be the default human condition. We are fragile creatures, and at the best of times we have a tenuous hold on happiness. Anxiety is more of a drain on our body and soul; It short-circuits the flourishing that we are here to cultivate in ourselves and engender in others. The great Reinhold Niebuhr wrote that 'Without freedom from anxiety man is so enmeshed in the vicious circle of egocentricity, so concerned about himself that he cannot release himself for an adventure of love.'"
Teryl Givens
"I have to go to the dentist." "I have to go the grocery store." "I have to go to work tomorrow." "I have to go to church on Sunday." "I need to make a new to-do list." And on and on and on...I "have to" or I "need to."
This is how so many of us live our lives, and how I lived mine, especially in the dark places of an addiction. But...how many people in this world have no access to dental care? How many are close to starving or are eating the same thing, and not enough of it, every day? How many men, women, and children are living life in a refugee camp where there is no to-do list, because there is simply little to do, other than struggle to survive? How many people...of any faith...have no church to go to, or are forced into a form of worship not of their choosing, or have their lives threatened because of their beliefs?
So...why do we "have to" or "need to" do anything? Right away we can come up with a million reasons why...excuses really. They all sound good and make perfect sense, but when we live this kind of life aren't we just considering ourselves victims? Victims to life? Victims to our circumstances? Victims to other people? One of the greatest lessons I learned early in recovery at Desert Solace is that I am not a victim. I have choice, at any time and in any situation. I can shift from a life of "have to" to a life of "get to." What a huge difference! I don't have to live in constant fear and anxiety, wondering what's waiting around the corner. I don't have to live always feeling obligated to someone else, and then feeling shame, embarrassment, and depression when I don't quite live up to their, or even my, expectations.
What happens when we shift out of "have to" and into "get to?" I get to go to work! I get to go to the dentist! I get to go to the grocery store! I get to go to church! I get to do anything and everything in my life, because I can choose, and because life is an opportunity and not just a series of responsibilities. We then look at life through the lens of gratitude and blessings instead of the lens of obligation. We can live life as an adventure instead of drudgery. We don't have to "endure" to the end...we can actually "enjoy" to the end, even when life is really, really difficult. And the difficulties will come...they always do. But if somehow we saw even those difficulties, challenges, and sometimes soul crushing experiences as opportunities to learn and grow, wouldn't life be so much better?
Richard Rohr expresses this so well..."Suffering comes from our resistance, denial, and sense of injustice or wrongness about our pain...It seems there is an inherent negative energy or resistance from all of us when we are suffering, and it is in those moments that we are invited to a more generous response. It is actually the necessary dying that the soul must walk through to go higher, farther, deeper, or longer."
And he also wrote this..."When we set ourselves up to think we deserve, expect, or need certain things to happen, we are setting ourselves up for constant unhappiness and a final inability to enjoy or at least allow what is going to happen anyway. After a while, we find ourselves resisting almost everything at some level. It is a terrible way to live. Giving up control is a school to learn union, compassion, and understanding."
Elder David A. Bednar frequently talks about our agency...our ability to choose. He has said that "You and I are agents. We have the power in us to act, not simply to be acted upon." When we are living a life of "have to" or "got to" or "need to" we are being acted upon. We are living as if we had no choice, and this kind of life tends to suck. It's a life many times out of control while we fool ourselves in thinking that we are in control. But we're not, and thinking that we are just adds to the misery. When we wake up and realize we are not in control of life...ours or anyone else's...we can then choose to let go of our idea of control and experience the freedom it brings. As we learn to live a life of "get to" our eyes open to the amazing possibilities of our life, the opportunities, and the joy they bring. We choose gratitude every day, and begin to live an "outward" life...worrying less about ourselves and being concerned more for others. And then we find the more we choose that kind of life, and actually live it one day at at time, the better life flows...through us and around us. We see Grace where we only saw pain before. We sense a renewed purpose in our life as we are more concerned for other lives around us. We act intentionally instead of being acted upon, and the blessings just show up. I have discovered this for myself...while I can't solve the world's problems even though they tend to weigh me down sometimes, I can choose to be aware, and to assist in some way those around me. Sometimes it's just with a smile or comment, sometimes it's more than that. It's always a choice.
Marilyn and I were on a vacation trip to Southern California in February, and spent Valentine's Day along the coast...Huntington Beach, Newport Beach, and Laguna. On the way back to our condo we stopped at a grocery store in Dana Point. The previous day had been super bowl Sunday, and we could tell how busy the store had been the past two days...it was hammered! Having spent most of my life in the grocery business, I understood. So when we checked out I simply smiled at the checker, called her by name (name badges are great!) and mentioned that she must be tired after such a busy two days. She was! Well, that led to a pretty good conversation...she shared that she was from Boston, had moved to SoCal at the invitation of her daughter and son-in-law, and lived with them. She just opened up for a few minutes and smiled. The story I make up? That was maybe the first time that day anyone asked her how she was doing and maybe showed her a little empathy, and it gave her...and us...an opportunity for connection. That little "have to" stop at the store turned into a "get to" moment simply because we chose to ask, and appreciate, her and her service. She has probably forgotten it, but I'll always remember it...it was a great lesson for me. Living outwardly opens opportunities we would otherwise never have.
Is all of this easy? Is it easy to let go of control? Is it easy to let go of our "have to's?" Is it easy to look at others, and treat them in all regards as someone special? Is it easy to not be "acted upon" and instead live with awareness and intention, and "act"? Is it easy to choose out of victimhood and instead live in freedom? Uh...no. If it was easy we'd all do it. Well, at least more of us would. But as our therapist and friend David Thompson would say, it's not meant to be easy! There is no growth in easy. There is no progress in easy. There is no change in easy. There is no Grace in easy. Jesus has invited us to become someone "new"...to have a changed heart and a changed nature. This is a lifelong process, and much like the recovery path, is littered with obstacles and difficulties we may never had imagined. It's been said that the only thing we can be perfect at is not giving up, and I believe that to be true. Some days are better than others, but...as we begin to experience the difference in living a "get to" life it can become easier. As we develop habits of awareness, letting go, forgiveness of ourselves and others, Grace and love, it gets easier. As we begin the day with the intention to be open to what might come, and choose to be a light instead of a black hole it gets easier. As we choose recovery instead of addiction...addiction to control, darkness, justice, anger, or anything else...it gets easier.
As Phillip Yancey says, "Choose to live in the grace of the day." As we do that, our "have to's" can become "get to's" and life becomes so much better. And yes, even easier.
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