Rachel..."Bruised But Not Broken"
"WE CAN ONLY BE SAID TO BE ALIVE IN THOSE MOMENTS WHEN OUR HEARTS ARE CONSCIOUS OF OUR TREASURE."
Thornton Wilder
"DO NOT BE ANXIOUS ABOUT ANYTHING, BUT IN EVERYTHING BY PRAYER AND SUPPLICATION WITH THANKSGIVING LET YOUR REQUESTS BE MADE KNOWN TO GOD. AND THE PEACE OF GOD, WHICH SURPASSES ALL UNDERSTANDING, WILL GUARD YOUR HEARTS AND YOUR MINDS IN CHRIST JESUS."
Phillipians 4:6-7
While I was in Desert Solace I read that verse in Phillipians and the phrase "the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding" jumped off the page at me. What?! Peace that cannot possibly be understood? How does that work? How do I get that? Where does it come from and who has it? What would that be like...to feel real peace? Because I had really never experienced something like that in my life. Real peace. Real contentment. Feeling OK with my life and myself. As I thought more and more about that, and re-read the scripture many times, I came to understand, with the help of Lynne, Shane, and others that peace can be chosen. Well, that sounds way to simple. Except in the end it really comes down to just that...choosing it. Every day and sometimes multiple times a day. I learned, and have experienced, that the only way to choose that genuine peace is to live in, and live with, Gratitude.
I wrote earlier about choosing to live in abundance or lack...either what I have is enough, or it's never enough. Of course, it's not always that black and white, but it's close. As an addict I never had enough...of anything. Not enough money, not enough talent, not enough time, not enough strength. I didn't know how to get "more", and learned to numb that daily disappointment by acting out in addiction. When I live like that...a life of lack...it's impossible to feel gratitude for anything. I lived thinking that what I had was only because of my hard work and effort, and some luck along the way, and what I didn't have was only because I was somehow a failure. And of course when I lived like that I had no intention of sharing what little I had with anyone else. Charity? Grace? No way. That whole cycle of thinking was killing me in every way...physically, mentally, and spiritually.
It's a crappy way to live, and yet many people live lives of quiet...and sometimes not so quiet...desperation and suffering, simply because life is full of "not enough" and empty of Gratitude.
Because of that broken thinking I never saw myself for who I really am, and never saw others for who they really are. I just knew I had to keep pushing through each and every day, and those days were such a burden. Joy? Rarely. Peace? Never.
The good news is...in recovery I learned that living in Gratitude is the basis of real recovery. There is no recovery without it. So, what if we changed our view of ourselves, of God, and of the world we live in? What if our hearts and minds changed to see all there is instead of seeing what there isn't? I began that practice...and yes, it is a practice because it requires practice...early in my recovery after I read about that indescribable peace. I learned to "layer on Gratitude...to be in awe of the world," as Jody Moore says. I soon began to notice how beautiful everything was...and every day became a new adventure. I learned that choosing Gratitude every day softened by heart and helped me love myself, God, and others. It felt...and still feels...so much better. But it takes conscious effort and daily practice. It requires intention which is renewed each day. It cannot be just taken for granted or lost in the busyness of our lives. This is exactly what Jesus was talking about when he tells us He came to give us both life and life more abundantly. Living in Gratitude is expansive and opens all kinds of possibilities to us for new adventures, joy, and peace. It heals and strengthens relationships, and brings a new sense of purpose to each day. It's just so much more fun!
We're all familiar with the miracle of the loaves and fishes in the new testament. But isn't the message of that story really about what Jesus can do with our lives? Someone...a boy...had to supply the five fishes and loaves of bread, because every miracle begins with something. In God's economy He can take what little we may have...whether it's time, talent, grace, love, patience, effort, physical strength or health, emotional capacity, testimony, money, or any other physical, emotional, or spiritual resource...and multiply them greatly. Not just a little - a lot! So much so that we become a "new person" with a "new heart." The message is whatever we have, it's enough. And as we expend the effort to turn a little into more, He'll turn it into much more that we ever could on our own.
It is a true principle that we will always find what we are looking for. If we are looking for the beauty and goodness in this world we will see it and we will find it, but if we are always looking for the ugliness and injustice in the world, we will find that too. Does that mean we just ignore the difficult things around us...the injustice or inequality or suffering? No, of course not. But I believe it means that when we see it, we have an opportunity to do something about it...and we can be strong while we choose to live in love and peace. With Gratitude we will be better equipped to love others, and actually do something to lift them up. As Bob Goff says, "Love does." It becomes our opportunity to bless lives. But...when we are living in anger, victimhood, and with a sense of "nothing is good enough", we'll find it everywhere we look. And that's a very dark place to live.
We just celebrated Thanksgiving and are in the Christmas season...and I'm reminded again about my Gratitude for my Father and for my Savior. As I've said before, when I started my recovery journey I had no idea what to expect and soon discovered this journey to be spiritual, and spirit-full. Recovery cannot happen in a vacuum, and it requires connection to other people and especially to a "Higher Power" as AA says. As an LDS Christian, my Higher Power is a literal Father, which changes everything for me. And better yet I've come to know Jesus as my Brother, Friend, Redeemer, and Savior. Why was I so sick that Saturday morning in Las Vegas? There was no reason for it, and I couldn't understand it. But looking back I knew that God had stopped me in my tracks, brought be back home, and gave me the opportunity to spend ninety days in Desert Solace and begin this recovery journey. Why? Why me? Lynne and I talked about this many times, and it just comes down to their love. I did nothing to deserve that love. I did nothing to deserve to be saved and brought home. I did nothing to deserve the forgiveness I've received. But...for all that, and more, I am so very grateful. And I've learned that it's one thing to say "I'm grateful" or "I'm thankful", but it's something much different to live it and to practice it daily and consistently.
I have experienced intense moments of Love and Gratitude...because one doesn't exist without the other...that have made me weep. I was on a golf trip with my brother Mike last month and we had a great time. But I had a moment where I was thinking about Marilyn, and I missed her. Deeply. It's hard to describe, but in that moment I felt this love and longing for her that was so intense I began to cry. I was on this awesome vacation in Arizona, playing beautiful golf courses in great weather, but in that moment I just wanted to be with her. That's pretty crazy for a guy that once ran away from home, right? As Kirk Franklin says, I'm a "mess and a miracle at the same time."
I have felt similar feelings about our children and grandchildren...just pure gratitude and love. I cannot imagine what God feels for each of us, and I can't begin to understand the love my Savior has for me to do what he did...and does...for me...in the garden, on the cross, and every day. I just know I am so very grateful...and the only way to show that Gratitude is by choosing to live in it each day.
Finally, this from Bob Goff..."We didn't earn this life. We don't own our bodies or the world in which we find ourselves. Out of the overflow of God's love, He created us and gave us the opportunity to take care of a small space in the world for a while. He gave us gifts and bodies and belongings, all entrusted to us for a time so we could give love to more people. It's actually a huge responsibility when you think about it. We are entrusted with God's precious creation so we could preserve what's beautiful and welcome more people into a life of abundance.
"If you find yourself giving in to a sense of greed and entitlement, remember the world isn't ours for the taking. We're just stewards meant to pass it on better than we found it. We've been given a gift to be built upon and shared. All we can do in exchange is give it away."
There is no recovery without Gratitude. Peace.
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