Fiona and Teryl Givens
"If you really want to know how spiritually awake you are, spend time around other people. For each of our relationships - from the brief interaction with the barista to our bonds with lifelong partners or family members - reflect back to us our predominant state of consciousness."
Eckhart Tolle
Addiction thrives in isolation, especially sexual addiction. Ask almost any recovering addict, and they will tell you how alone and isolated they felt...from themselves, from God, from their family, and from other people. They will tell you that they felt as though they were the only ones in the world with this "problem", and that no one could possibly understand what it was like to live in such a dark place. They would describe the pain they felt in their acting out, and how they felt cut off from every other person in their life.
I felt that way for many years...so many times at a family gathering I'd sit by myself and just want to be alone with my feelings of loneliness and depression, feeling as though none of these people...the people that most cared about me and loved me...could ever understand how truly screwed up I was. As I've mentioned, I was "past feeling" and got to the point where almost all I could think about was my acting out. I was separated mentally, emotionally, and spiritually from Marilyn, my family, God, and my friends...and eventually I chose to just run away from all of them rather than make any attempt at bridging that divide. It was just too big, and I was too messed up...and I didn't care anymore.
One of my greatest discoveries while I was in Desert Solace was that recovery was all about connection. I learned to reconnect with myself...my real self...who had been buried for years in a pile of stress, shame, depression, and anger. I was able to find "me", and I learned to like "me". This was a HUGE change since the roots of my addiction had been my feelings that I just wasn't "good enough". I found out that I was...and am...good enough. In fact, I'm way more than that! And then I discovered that God...my Heavenly Dad...and Jesus...by Brother...both love me just the way I am, and I learned to allow their Love into my life. So many of my Christian friends had talked about having a relationship with Jesus, but I never really knew what that looked like or how to make it happen. I found out that I didn't have to "make" it happen...I just allowed it to happen. I was open to it, and as I keep myself in alignment with them (John chapter 15) I can feel and access that love all the time. Who knew?! It became more than just an idea, it became real as I experienced Their love and Their grace.
And...as I figured out who I really was, and got myself in alignment with Them, my other relationships were reborn. Marilyn and I talked more at the first family weekend at Desert Solace than we had in many, many months...and we talked about stuff that mattered! I felt a new connection to Adam and Kristen, to our grandchildren, and to friends, neighbors, and ward members at church. I felt love for people I didn't know...the checker at the grocery store, the guy walking his dog on our street. It was totally weird and wonderful at the same time...
About a year after I returned home from Desert Solace I was called to jury duty. Fun time, right? So I went downtown to the Matheson courthouse on my assigned day, got a juror number, waited for a while, and then was ushered into a courtroom with all the other prospective jurors...probably about 70 other people. Maybe more. I happened to get seated in the jury box, so we were looking down on the rest of the room. In front of us was the defendant with his attorneys, as well as the prosecutor. Before we began the jury elimination process, the prosecutor explained what the case was about. This man...Hispanic, probably in his late thirties...had robbed a gas station with a gun and had allegedly shot and killed the attendant. As I looked at that man sitting there the impression came to me so very strongly that this was one of God's sons, and he was loved by Him every bit as much as I, or anyone else was. And I wondered what had happened in his life to get him to this place...and I felt so much compassion for him I had tears falling down my cheeks. I'll never forget that experience, because all I felt for him was love. Thankfully I was not chosen for the jury...that would have been difficult. But I felt this incredible connection to a total stranger, and just knew he was loved.
So, yes, the opposite of addiction is connection. We cannot recover in a vacuum...it just doesn't work that way. In recovery I've discovered something else...a core doctrine of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is that families can be sealed together for eternity, and that this sealing will ultimately connect us all, beginning with Adam. I certainly have no idea exactly what this will look like in the eternities, but I have come to understand this principle of connection and sealing...we are all part of a very, very large family and we are told, and I believe, that through the Atonement of the Savior we will all have the opportunity for this eternal connection. Will we be forced to live with an abusive parent or spouse for eternity? Of course not. But what if Heaven is more about relationships and less about a "place"? Christians talk about "being saved", but what is that really? I love this definition from Fiona and Teryl Givens..."We might venture a definition of salvation; to be saved is to become the kind of persons, in the kinds of relationships, that constitute the divine nature." Relationships...Connection.
At Desert Solace we had a yoga session every Tuesday and Thursday. I was not good at yoga...old and stiff. But I learned to love it! Our yoga instructor was Miriam, an awesome, sweet, spiritual, soft spoken woman about my age, who I connected with and grew quickly to love. During Shavasana at the end of a session in February, while we were lying on our backs relaxed and drifting somewhere between awake and asleep, with soft music playing and Miriam softly talking, she invited us to "feel the warmth and comfort of being in our mother's womb." That hit me right between the eyes...
You see, I was adopted as a baby. I grew up always knowing I was adopted, and I never remember my parents telling me I was adopted...I just always knew. My only sibling, my sister Diane, three years younger than me, was also adopted. It never had bothered me, and I really never thought about it. My mother and I were close, and she definitely loved both Diane and I unconditionally. Always, no matter what. I wanted her to be proud of me and worked hard at that...checking all the "boxes" as I went through life, both in school and in church. But I never felt connected to my father, and when he left us in my sophomore year in high school, I was unforgiving, angry, and hurt. He was not invited to my graduation, mission farewell, or wedding. But overall they were good parents and we both had good childhoods, really not wanting for anything.
But...when I heard Miriam say those words that day it dawned on me that I didn't know who my biological mother was, and I didn't know where I came from. In that moment I longed to find out...
Some time after I got home I found a private investigator in Long Beach (I was born and adopted in California) who specializes in finding birth families for those who have been given up for adoption. To make a long story shorter, over a number of weeks and attempts to get some good identifying information, we came us empty handed. California adoption records are sealed, and even after more than sixty years they would not divulge who my birth parents were. We did get some notes from the social worker who helped my birth mother, and found out that she was from another state, she showed up there just before she was to give birth, and after I was born she took me with her. Then, three days later, she returned to the hospital with me and left me there, saying "I told you I would bring him back." She specified that I be adopted by an LDS couple. Then apparently I was placed in temporary foster care for a couple of months, given a name by the county, and then was adopted by my parents.
So on to plan B...Kristen said, "Dad, why don't you just submit a DNA test and see what comes up?" So that's what I did. Funny though, after I received the test kit it sat on the kitchen counter for about three weeks before I sent it in. Was I feeling some fear over this? Maybe. Probably. But eventually I sent it in, and a number of days later, on a Friday, received a notification that the results were in. I discovered that my heritage is from Northern England and Wales, and that my closest relative was Adam...because he had sent his DNA in previously. And then there was a long list of first and second cousins and most of them had the last name Hansen. Well, I thought, now what? Almost right away I received a message from a young lady in Oklahoma telling me that I might be related to her uncle Wayne, who lived in Dallas but was currently on vacation in California. She would have him call me...
Monday while I was at work I received two messages, one from Wayne and another from Mike, who lives in St. George. After work that night, when I got home, with my heart beating a mile a minute, I called Wayne's number and talked with him for maybe twenty minutes. He thought we could be half brothers, but that if I talked with Mike I could get more detailed information. After talking with Wayne I called Mike, and he was pretty excited! We talked for about an hour, and I learned that he and I, along with his sister Paula, were probably full brothers and sister. Our mother's name was Julia, and she had lived in Logan, Utah but for some reason had gone to Sacramento to give birth to me, who was her fourth child...third with the man who was Mike and Paula's father. Mike was a year older than I was...to the month...and Wayne was a year younger than I was...to the month. So Mike was born in April of 1953, I was born in April of 1954, and Wayne was born in April of 1955, with a different father. Crazy, right? Mike also shared that both he and Paula had been adopted as well, by a family in Logan, and had grown up just a short distance from their birth family, but never knew it. Mike discovered his birth family when he was twenty-seven years old, but Julia had passed away in 1971, at the age of forty-one, so the three of us never met her. Mike did meet, and talk with, Julia's mother, grandma Gladys, who told him that he had a brother who was a year younger than he was, and had been born in Sacramento. Mike told me, "I've been looking for you since I was twenty-seven years old!"
After these two phone conversations Marilyn asked me how I felt, and I just wasn't sure. It all felt a little surreal and a little strange, especially when Wayne and Mike told me that I was one of ten children Julia had! So all my life it had been Diane and I, and now there were nine more brothers and sisters! I was excited and nervous and grateful for what would maybe be a new adventure and new relationships, and I didn't sleep very well that night...
Later I was able to meet both Mike and Paula, who lives here in the Salt Lake area. I felt an instant connection...they are both amazing people with their own stories to tell. They are both kind and generous...I would definitely describe them as gentle souls. Life has not been easy for either of them, but they have both worked in careers where they have touched many, many people and impacted many, many lives for the good. One day we traveled to Logan and visited with another half sister, Carol, who is Julia's oldest child, with a different father than ours. She was raised by Gladys and lived for many years with Julia, who was more like a sister to her. She's also a wonderful person, and was able to share so much with us. I had taken some of my pictures with me, and when she brought out a picture of Julia we were all blown away! I compared her picture to my ninth grade school picture and we could have been twins...
In the second picture is Mike, Paula, and me. The third one is Mike, Carol, and me. And the fourth one is Mike, Paula, Carol, and Wayne. These are good people, and I love them!
The following February, while Marilyn and I were in Austin visiting friends, we drove up to Dallas to meet and spend the afternoon with Wayne. What an amazing man! We spent a few hours sharing our stories with each other before going to dinner, and we enjoyed every minute of it. His childhood was horrific...a tale of abuse, abandonment, and addiction...and although he lost his mother at a young age and then left home at the age of 14, he has been very successful in business and in life, and he has just enough Texas drawl! I feel blessed to know him and call him my brother...
Mike is a golfer, although much more accomplished and much more talented than I am, and we've been able to play golf together many times over the past three years. We've had some long and deep discussions about the joys and the difficulties of life as well. Both he and Paula are wise, insightful, and kind. They have been through difficult times and have both come out the other side as not just survivors but as conquerors. Good, good people. I am blessed to know and love them...
You're probably thinking, "what about the other five?" I know one sister is no longer alive, and that leaves one brother and three sisters. I haven't met Bob yet, and am told he is doing well and lives in Dallas also. Wayne has told me his sisters have had super difficult lives, beginning as children, and struggle with alcohol and drugs still. I will probably never get the opportunity to meet them...
Bottom line? I was extremely blessed to have been adopted by my parents and to grow up in the circumstances I did, with a sister who I love and admire, and to be sealed to them. And I am extremely blessed now to have discovered not just where I came from, but also to have formed a connection to a much larger family that I could have ever imagined. There are no accidents...it all played out this way because it did...and it was supposed to. From that one moment of clarity in yoga to new loving relationships now, the principle of connection has been at work in my life. Really, it works in all of our lives. It has helped save me.
We all suffer...it's part of the plan. If we didn't we wouldn't learn and we wouldn't grow, and I'm living proof that some of that suffering is self inflicted. But I've learned that to suffer alone serves no purpose, and to help alleviate someone else's suffering is a wonderful blessing. If we in some way can help someone else heal...because we're all broken and we're all wounded... that is what draws us closer together as families and friends. As brothers and sisters. And binds us together for eternity. That is true connection...
I know your story and I still love reading about it. You are such a blessed man. Love you guys.
ReplyDeleteThank you Chris for continuing to share your journey. You and Marilyn are an inspiration to is all!
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