Mark Jorgenson
"Life is a series of relapses and recoveries."
George Ade
"Without the Redeemer, the inherent hope and joy evaporate, and repentance becomes simply miserable behavior modification."
Dale G. Renlund
Before I left Desert Solace in March of 2017 Marilyn and I met with my therapist Ryan, who was the clinical director there at the time, during our last family weekend. Among other things, we talked about the "aftercare" program Ryan and I had created. This plan was a list of the many things I had agreed to do to keep me sober and keep Marilyn safe. Well, keep me safe too. Things such as exercise daily, eating breakfast (something I rarely had done before), living within the boundaries we agreed to (for example, no phone in the bathroom), and doing my "dailies"...a daily routine of morning study, reading, meditation, and prayer, along with choosing an intention for the day. But...I don't remember the "R" word being uttered..."relapse".
By this time in my recovery I was happier than I had ever been in my life. I didn't have to go to work every day, didn't have to pay the bills, didn't have to cook any meals, didn't have to do anything to keep Marilyn happy...well, you get the idea. My life was very routine in rehab, which actually suited me just fine. All I had to do each day, besides taking care of the horses (which I grew to love!), was study, exercise, eat good food, and sit at the feet of Lynne, Shane, Mark and others to learn and grow. Being sober was easy since I had no phone, computer, TV, or anything that would tempt me in any way. Now I look back on that 90 days and realize that rehab was very selfish...it was all about me. My sobriety. My growth. My learning. My development. But...Shane said that we were in a bomb shelter there, and when we got home the bombs would begin to fall. And they did...
When I came home on March 10th I was so happy...I was experiencing real joy for maybe the first time...or at least the first time in many years. My life was in a completely different place than it had ever been, especially when compared with where I was three months prior. I was in the best shape physically I had been in for many years from all the days at the gym exercising, playing racquetball, and taking some pretty grueling hikes in the red rocks of southern Utah. I was clean and sober, and felt absolutely awesome mentally, emotionally, and especially spiritually. When I walked, my feet barely touched the ground, and everything I saw around me was skittles, unicorns and rainbows! And I was that guy...that guy who would never have a slip or relapse for the rest of my life. I was transformed, my heart had changed, and I was completely different. I had experienced the Grace and Love of my Savior in very deeply and personal ways, and had experienced forgiveness from Him, myself, and others close to me. When I walked into our house for the first time in three months everything seemed so light...kind of glowing. Everything was just so AWESOME, and I was so grateful for it all. The next day, Saturday, Marilyn and I attended the UCAP (Utah Coalition Against Pornography) annual convention at the Salt Palace downtown, and it was amazing...much different than what I had anticipated. Sunday we had a party...for me...with family and a few friends, celebrating my return home. Sound familiar?...Prodigal Son?
Anyway, life was going to be so incredible going forward, and I looked at myself as the most blessed man in the entire world. Things could not have been better. Smith's actually gave me my job back, after I had interviewed with my boss and HR director. Even better, they transferred me to the store just block from our house...a lower volume store which would create a lot less stress in my life. Perfect!
But...it didn't last. I was out of the bomb shelter and back in the world, and I began to feel the difference. I began to feel the weight of the world settling in on me, and it was, and is, very real. Now I had to begin to make choices...real choices. I quickly got back into the routine of work, and that began to take a toll. I found meetings to attend, and was visiting Marilyn's therapist...our therapist...David Thompson at Addo Recovery once a week with her. I was on a Desert Solace alumni conference call, which we had each Wednesday evening, and one of the former clients who was there with me...a very young and immature 21 year old...checked in that he had relapsed. He had been up all night the night before watching porn and masturbating. I remember my body reacting physically to just hearing this...a chill went all the way through me. And all of a sudden I felt jealous of him...I used to do the same thing, and I wanted to do it again. That was my last alumni phone call for a long time, and I had just been triggered big time, and maybe for the first time, since coming home.
I got a phone and Marilyn installed a fool-proof filtering app on it, but I could feel myself slipping. So I had a slip, which is just a polite way of saying "a little relapse." I guess it's like an alcoholic just taking a drink or two, but we know that never works out well. I was so frustrated...I didn't want to want that. I didn't want to feel crappy again. I asked Adam to porn proof my phone, but it still didn't completely work. What's crazy is that for a porn addict, half the excitement is how to get past the filters and restrictions to find the "pot of gold." So I got rid of the smart phone, and got a stupid one...a flip phone, which just drove me nuts. I began feeling like a loser instead of a winner. The bombs were making some pretty direct hits by now, and I was feeling a little crazy. I asked David in a session why did this have to be so hard, and his answer was that "It's supposed to be." Life is designed to be hard. I get it. If it wasn't, where would the learning and the growth happen? He told me I was only five months into recovery from a fifty year addiction, and it wasn't going to be easy. I was still doing my "dailies", setting daily intentions, etc., but I could feel myself dying a little inside. And then there was work...I began to hate it all over again. Same old crap, different venue. I didn't want to be there, didn't want to deal with the corporate BS, and didn't want to deal with other peoples' problems. None of this was good...
So what did I do? I gave up. No...I gave in. I bought a burner phone at work with an unlimited plan, and was free...better word would be trapped...to watch porn as much as I wanted. So I did. But I couldn't take the phone home, so I just watched my stuff at work in my office, door closed. I had lost it, and I knew it, but the only positive to come out of this mess I was creating was that I didn't go back to a strip club, massage parlor, or escort...I had no cash, but I don't believe I would have gone that far. Maybe. I don't know.
I didn't know that someone in my store that worked for me, I still don't know who, was asked to watch me and my behavior. As I spent more and more time in my office and less and less time on the sales floor, I'm sure it became pretty obvious what I was up to. The people I worked for were not stupid and knew where I had spent those three months. So in August...five months after I had returned home in glory from Desert Solace...my district manager and HR director came to visit me. I was an addict, and of course at first I denied what I had been doing. But finally I was broken, and had to admit to my relapse. We agreed that I would "retire early"...that day...and not come back to work in any capacity with Smith's. All I felt was shame and embarrassment, and as I walked out of the store I threw that burner phone in the trash can on the sidewalk. It was interesting though...although I was feeling this shame, and had no idea what I was going to tell Marilyn when I got home, part of me felt free. I didn't have to go to work tomorrow! It's hard to describe this conflict of emotions I felt then, but something inside told me it was going to be OK. I had no idea how, but I just knew it. But now I was unemployed...well, retired about two years before I had planned. I was devastated, scared, and happy all at once. Weird.
It was difficult to tell Marilyn, because we had agreed that I would report any "slip" to her within 6 hours of it happening. Well, this had been about a month, so I was well past the six hour deadline. I then talked with my bishop and stake president, but it was really hard to tell David. He wasn't real happy with me and didn't give me any leeway this time. But...one of the most important lessons I had learned at Desert Solace was to let go of the past...five minutes ago or five weeks ago or five years ago. It didn't matter...I could not change it but could only learn from it...if I was willing. So changes were made, boundaries were reviewed and agreed on, and life went on, because life does that...it just keeps going on. Sometimes it limps along, and I was limping a little, but it goes on.
As I've said, there are no accidents. That relapse had happened, was supposed to happen...because it did...and I chose to keep going. Mark described recovery as climbing up a down escalator, one step at a time. If I stumble and fall, I have a choice to make. I can just sit there, feel sorry for myself, and ride that escalator all the way to the bottom. I can turn around and run to the bottom. Or I can get up and continue climbing. It's my choice, always. So I immediately chose to continue climbing. I couldn't give up...I knew too much, had experienced too much, and knew how true recovery felt. I loved Marilyn more deeply than I ever had in our 40 plus years of marriage, and I loved my children and their children. I didn't want to give that up. I had experienced Grace and forgiveness and I was hungry for that again. I had a choice to make, and I chose to continue in recovery...
When Jesus was asked by Peter "...How oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?" We all know the answer. "Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, until seven times: but, until seventy times seven." Then He followed this with the parable of the servant who owed his king ten thousand talents, but couldn't pay. The servant begged him to forgive the debt saying, "Lord, have patience with me, and I will pay thee all. Then the lord of that servant was moved with compassion, and loosed him, and forgave him the debt."
But then...this servant, who had just been forgiven, found one of his fellow servants who owed him a only a hundred pence, and "took him by the throat, saying, Pay me that thou owest." And after this fellow begged him to also have patience and forgive the debt, he said no and threw him in prison. The other servants weren't happy about this and told the lord, and this guy paid the price for his refusal to forgive another...especially when he had already been forgiven. He was "delivered...to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him."
And the moral of the parable is..."So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also to you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses." So I love that Jesus talks about patience, and I know He has patience with me, because I've experienced it. And I know that if He is asking us to forgive "seventy times seven"...which means there is no end to the amount of forgiveness we extend to others...then there is no end to His forgiveness for me. For us. He does not expect perfection and I am certainly not going to be perfect...in any way. But He is always there to give me a hand up. He is always there if I turn toward Him. I can choose to repent...to change course...as many times as I need to, and He will continue to extend Grace and Mercy as long as I need it and choose into it. He was why I was sick in the motel room in Las Vegas on December 10th, 2016, and He stood ready to take me home, lift me up, and get me to Desert Solace to begin recovery. I know it was Him...it's always Him. But I need to choose Him, and so after this relapse I chose Him again. I chose to forgive myself, and chose to ask forgiveness from Marilyn. I cannot climb that escalator by myself...only with His help. There's a reason the original twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous focus on our "higher power"...recovery doesn't happen in a vacuum. It's a spiritual journey, always has been, and always will be. My higher power are my Heavenly Parents, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost, and I know They are always there cheering for me, ready to support me, always loving me, if I am willing to look for it, am open to it, and accept it. Always. There is no end to it...seventy times seven and more.
I love the picture above of Jesus pulling Peter up out of the water. He didn't scold Peter, He didn't make fun of him because he tried something and failed, and He certainly didn't shame him. He offered Peter His hand and pulled him up. That experience for Peter was another in a series of experiences pointing him to who Jesus really was, and He learned that the Savior would always love him, even when he did some pretty crazy stuff. He would always be there offering to pull him out of the water, and save him, when he most needed it. What if Peter hadn't taken the Savior's hand when He offered it? He may have drowned in the stormy sea. I was drowning, again, but then I chose to take and grab His hand, again. My favorite word in the sacrament prayer is "willing"...most of the time, that's the best I can do. Be willing. And isn't that really what faith is all about? Our willingness to go and do, having faith that He'll make up the difference, support us, strengthen us, love us, and extend Grace when we most need it?
So...the rest of the story. We have experienced tender mercies, really miracles, since that time. I got back on the recovery path and have been able to stay on it. I brought home a "toolbox" from Desert Solace with the tools I needed to get back on that path, and as I've used them (many of which I've written about in this blog) I've been able to continue forward. As I've said before, the recovery path is not a four lane highway, and it's not even a one lane road. It's a path. Sometimes it gets really narrow, sometimes there are mountains to climb, and sometimes we get stuck in a valley for a while. Many times there are rivers to cross, fallen branches to climb over, or we may lose the trail completely for a short time. It's not easy, and as David reminded me, it's not supposed to be. It takes work to stay on that path, and I am blessed to have some amazing support from Marilyn, my family, friends, couples in our ARP group, fellow Desert Solace alumni, ward members, and church leaders. I am not in this alone and consider myself blessed beyond anything I deserve. I call that Grace.
As you can imagine, telling Marilyn I had not just relapsed but had lost my job as a result was really, really hard. But because of her recovery journey, she was eventually able to forgive me. I told her that we'd figure it out, even though I had no idea how. We still needed to pay our bills, and were not eligible for Medicare or Social Security yet, so I needed to find a job. I reached out to a few companies and people that I knew, but came up dry, and did not want to to back to work in a grocery store. After about a month I called my friend Joe, who was the regional manager for Uinta golf (I love to play golf!), and he told me they had just lost two sales people at their Salt Lake store, and to come and interview. I did, and was able to work enough hours to qualify for the health insurance we needed. Even though I took a 70% pay cut, I found an old retirement account from the original Smith's and was able to convert it into an IRA, and we used that money to make up the difference in paying bills for over a year...much longer that I thought it would last. So financially we stayed afloat, and looking back on it I'm not sure exactly how. Miracles...
Life in recovery is awesome! And difficult...it still involves a lot of awareness and work. Every day. Does relapse always have to be a part of it? Not necessarily...but it seems that most of the time it is. Many people suffer many relapses, and some suffer few. Addiction is a disease that ravages us physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. It leaves no part of us untouched, and I believe it's the latter-day plague talked about in the scriptures. And porn and sex addiction is what very few people want to even acknowledge or talk about. But it's real, and it's devastating. So relapse happens...all the time, and to almost everyone. But we can come out of relapse "seventy times seventy", and the Savior never gives up on us. Never. He paid a HUGE price for us, and He does not want to waste it. I can't forget that my image is engraven on the palms of His hands. As with Peter, He doesn't shame us, He doesn't laugh at us, and He won't let us drown...if we are willing and if we are willing to try. So just keep climbing that escalator...there's no end to it, but it's worth it all the same.
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