Theodore Isaac Rubin
"Begin with the end in mind."
Stephen R. Covey
"No experience will be the same as it was last time."
Shane Scott
I remember as a boy playing darts in the back yard with my friend Galen. We had a dart board hanging on a tree, and were throwing darts...yes, the metal tipped ones that were really sharp...at the target. I somehow got myself on the other side of the tree, and it didn't take long before I got a dart right in the middle of my chest. It startled me, it hurt, and it was just stuck there. I looked down and had to pull it out. Of course, there was no major damage, and it really didn't bleed much, and yes...it could have been much worse in an eye, or somewhere else. But it wasn't. When my mom found out, she said, "Well, what did you expect to happen?" Good question. Looking back, I didn't expect anything to happen really, we were just goofing around. And we weren't paying attention.
Now I look back on that experience and think in some way it's the story of much of my life. No expectations...not thinking about the long term of what I'm doing or thinking, or sometimes even the short term. Then, when there are consequences to what I have done, I'm surprised. I think what my mom was asking me was more about consequences than expectations...and they are not necessarily the same thing. You and I are creators. Powerful creators. In Genesis, there are two accounts of the creation of the world and everything in it, and the first account is about the planning and the second account is about the doing. Everything was created spiritually first...It was envisioned and imagined. After that there was the actual creation. I believe the problem many of us have is that we don't do the envisioning or imagining first, or if we do, we have a hard time being real about it.
How many successful people in this world have had incredible imaginations? They seem to be able to "see" the finished product long before their creation process began. Walt Disney...who's designers came to be known as "imagineers". Steve Jobs, who imagined and then created so much of what we just take for granted today, including the computer I'm typing on right now. Both of these men literally changed the world we live in, along with many others. Marilyn and I enjoy watching HGTV, and the many very talented designers who fix up and remodel homes have this amazing ability to somehow see the finished product even before they strip down a house to the studs. Somehow the finished product always looks amazing.
Stephen R. Covey, in his book "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People", wrote that Habit #2 was "Begin with the end in mind". He said "To begin with the end in mind means to start with a clear understanding of your destination. It's incredibly easy to get caught up in an activity trap, in the busy-ness of life, to work harder and harder at climbing the ladder of success only to discover it's leaning against the wrong wall...How different our lives are when we really know what is deeply important to us, and, keeping that picture in mind, we manage ourselves each day to be and to do what really matters most."
I was given this book as a birthday gift from Marilyn's parents in 1990...thirty years ago! I read it, highlighted much of it, made notes, and then seemed to forget much of it. As my addiction to porn, and then sex, worsened many years after that, I began living life unconsciously...not paying attention, not thinking about future consequences, and definitely not having the end in mind. It became just like the dart game when I was young...and I injured myself, badly. And I injured a lot of other people in the process. That's what addiction does...leaves a trail of wreckage, and those we love most end up picking up the pieces.
All that being said, I have some questions. Why does it seem (I'm making an assumption here) that there are so few people who are really good at this? Who are creative, and can imagine what the other side of their doing or creating will look like? And then what? What happens when I DO imagine the end...the outcome...but it doesn't turn out that way? How do I get past that failure in my life? And...for me the BIG question...what do I do with the fear of failure, of not ever getting to that envisioned end? Because isn't it really Fear that's keeps so many of us from being a new Walt Disney or Steve Jobs, in even the smallest part of our lives?
My experience is that life works works best when I live with "intention", but not "expectation". That may not make much sense...what's the difference between the two? If I'm beginning with the end in mind, don't I have to have certain expectations? Well, the problem, I believe, is when we get wrapped up in those expectations and we get stuck. Beginning anything with an intention is an act of awareness, choosing into what I'm doing...whether it's a work project, a church calling, or just a new day...and going into that with the end in mind. What do I want to create, but more importantly, what do I want to experience? That might include how what I'm doing will affect those around me. If I'm teaching a class, what can I do to create an opportunity for those I'm teaching to experience something new and maybe life changing? What can I learn? How will those around me be affected by this choice?
So often, when we have a fixed expectation of how we want something to turn out we're focused on the outcome, and when the outcome is something other than what we wanted, we freak out. We get angry, frustrated, resentful, jealous, and then we get fearful of ever trying THAT again. We tell ourselves we're a complete failure, and beat ourselves up over it. How often does expectation just create anxiety? I can still hear Julie at Desert Solace say during equine to "let go of the outcome!" Yes, be intentional. Choose an intention. But do not look forward to only one possible outcome...one expectation...and then become unwilling to change direction if needed. How often, on those HGTV shows, do we see a change of plans. They want to remove a wall, but they can't because it's load bearing? Or the city won't approve the plan to add a garage on the side of the house? Or it rains and the roof leaks? The plans, and the budget, need to be flexible. None of that changes the intention to create a new and beautiful home, but the end result may look and be different that originally envisioned. The expectation changes, but the intention does not.
In my Desert Solace notes I wrote, "We really don't know our power - who we really are." Brigham Young said we "live below our privilege." Meaning what? We are powerful creators, and we are always creating. We have the choice to create with awareness and intention, or to create unconsciously without intention. We can have expectations without intention or awareness, and then just make a mess. Richard Rohr wrote, "We are better at rushing to judgment and demanding a complete resolution to things before we have learned what they have to teach us." So...when life does not meet our expectations, how do we react? Throw a tantrum? Be angry and lash out? Blame God or someone else? Because it ALWAYS has to be someone's fault...nothing ever just happens! Richard then writes, "This is not the way of wisdom, and it is the way that people operate in the first half of life. Failure and humiliation force you to look where you never would otherwise." When we are in the "second half of life", as Richard calls it, we have made the transformation, or the shift, to instead be able to ask, "What did I just learn?" and "What's Plan B?" Maybe Plan C or D. We discover that pain and failure are our friends and teachers, not something to be feared. We live with intention and accept "what is", even as we "push through" difficulties and challenges.
Shane Scott says "No experience will be the same as it was last time." And it's true. The problem is that we go into an experience expecting the same one we had last time, with the same results, and then get disappointed when it was different. Or we expect it to match our expectations. Have you been to a restaurant that was awesome last month, but not nearly as good last night? Does your pizza taste the same every time you get it? What about the movie that had incredible five star reviews, but when you saw it your experience didn't match the reviews? Did the expectation you went with ruin the movie for you? What if we just went to a movie with no expectations, knew nothing about it, and just had the experience, with nothing to compare it to? What if we lived life more like Forrest Gump, with intention, but without expectations? Without fear, both of failure and of what other people think about us? How awesome would that be?
I firmly believe we attract people and scenarios in our lives to match our expectations, or lack of them, and to prove to ourselves that we are right about our life and about ourselves. We unconsciously prove that our expectations and self beliefs are real. Then we can say to ourselves "I told you so!" I'm not loved. I'm not good enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm an addict and I can't ever change. Everything we do then supports our false beliefs, intention is lost, our expectations are never met, and we go through life disappointed and resentful.
There are many reasons Jesus taught us to become like little children in order to get into heaven, and one of those is that little children just live life in a pure way. Before they become domesticated by their parents and teachers, children live with few expectations. They just love life. They are happy, and when they fall and scrape a knee they cry, get a hug and maybe a bandaid, and then are out playing as if nothing happened. They have an ability to live life freely and authentically. They are just in the moment, not caring about what's going to happen tomorrow or even an hour from now. What if we were more like that? Of course we say, "Well, I have responsibilities! Life is serious business!", or we say "I've made such a mess out of my life there's no going back!" There is way to do both...to live life aware of responsibility, aware of opportunity, aware of intention, and aware of expectation, but at the same time to choose out of fear, out of anxiety, and out of "the mess" our lives might be in. We really can live life open to all possibilities. Maybe living like a small child, or Forrest Gump, really is the way to go...
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