Choices...

 

"We're here to experience life, not to understand it."

                  Shane Scott

"You're not a product of your circumstances, you're a product of your choices."

                  Lynne Clark Brunson

"Life is like a box of chocolates..."

                    Forrest Gump

I remember the first time at Desert Solace when Shane held out two dry erase markers and said, "chocolate or vanilla?  Make a choice."  We all looked at him like he'd lost his mind, but one of us finally said "chocolate".  Shane asked "why"?  "Well, I like chocolate better...it tastes better."  Shane..."No.  Choose again, that's a decision, not a choice."  What?!  I didn't get it.  What's the difference between a choice and a decision?  Aren't they the same thing?  Well, I learned over time that they are not the same thing.  What Shane was teaching us is that a choice doesn't need a reason.  It's just a choice.  A decision, on the other hand, requires a reason and cuts off other possibilities.  A decision is based on conditions and is conditional.

So often we paralyze ourselves because we can't make a decision, when we just need to choose.  I know, it sounds kind of weird...it did to me too.  But over the weeks of my early recovery I began to understand, and experience the difference.  One of the important principles I learned in equine therapy was the idea of being "open to all possibilities."  When we make a choice we remain open to those possibilities.  If that choice doesn't work for us, we can choose something different.  But a decision is something completely different.  The word decide ends in "cide"...to cut off or to kill.  It's in the words suicide, homicide, genocide, pesticide, insecticide, and more.  When we decide...when we make a decision...we cut off, or kill, other possibilities.  And quite often, when a decision doesn't work, we get stuck.  We've shut ourselves off from other ideas and other possibilities, and we feel we have nowhere else to go.

I learned in recovery that life is just a series of choices...moment to moment to moment.  It never stops.  It's like climbing a mountain with no summit...I'll never get to the top.  And if at any time I think I've got it figured out, I'm probably in trouble.  Because life is not to be understood...just experienced.  And learned from.

As part of my belief in the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, I believe I am eternal....and eternal means not just without an end, but also without a beginning.  No, I can't wrap my head around that.  I can't understand it, but somehow I know it's true.  I am a spiritual being having a mortal experience here.  I'm intended to learn, and to have experiences I could have no other way and in no other place.  Along with my eternal nature is something else:  my agency...my ability to choose.  We often say that our agency is a gift from God, and of course in many ways it is.  But I believe it's just a part of us, and has been since...well, since forever.  The battles we have fought before this earth was even created, and the battles we fight now, are really about our ability to choose.  The adversary's goal is pretty simple...take that ability away from us, and give it to him.  He is constantly lying to us with that goal in mind.  Addiction is just that...giving away our ability to choose.  That's exactly what I did, and it almost killed me.  It has killed many others, and has destroyed lives, families, and even societies.  And I believe that battle will continue until...well, I don't know.  But I do know this, because I've experienced it...My Father and my Savior will fight my battles for me and will always protect my ability to choose, if...here's the BIG IF...if I allow them to.  They will never force me to do or be anything I do not choose...They respect my agency as much as They love me.  Jesus died to protect by ability to choose.

It's interesting that we don't find the word 'decide' in the scriptures, but we find the word 'choose' all the time...

From 2nd Nephi, Chapter 2..."And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life...or to choose captivity or death."

2nd Nephi, Chapter 10..."Therefore, cheer up you hearts, and remember that ye are free to act for yourselves - to choose the way of everlasting death or the way of eternal life."

And in 2nd Nephi, Chapter 2, Lehi says..."...The Lord God gave unto man that he should act for himself.  Wherefore, man could not act for himself save it should be that he was enticed by the one or the other."  He taught this right after he talked about there being "opposition in all things."  So apparently to make a choice, there must be more than one possibility...

Helaman 14:30..."...Ye are free, ye are permitted to act for yourselves...

And in the Old Testament, from Joshua 24..."Choose this day whom ye will serve."

So...throughout history we're reminded that we are free to choose, and we are counseled to choose wisely...to choose life.  But we are never counseled to decide, because often when we decide we are cutting ourselves off from "Plan B", and from any other possibilities and opportunities.  I love what Elder Dale G. Renlund said..."God...gives us the dignity of choosing."  And this from Russell M. Ballard sums it all up very well..."You are first, foremost, and always a spiritual being.  When we choose to put our carnal nature ahead of our spiritual nature, we are choosing something that is contrary to our real, true, authentic spiritual selves."

Lynne taught me, "God is Truth - things as they really are.  Satan is the god of appearances, the god of 'looks like' or 'appears to be'.  He offers false truth to legitimize any desire.  Satan lies."  So...ultimately our choices are between what's real and what's not.  What is and what might be.  Joy or Fear.  Peace or Chaos.  Light or Darkness.  Confidence or Doubt.  Creator or Victim.  Every choice counts, and they pile up pretty quickly, but any past choice can be shifted and transformed by choosing differently going forward.

From my Desert Solace notes...

"Don't choose the 'easy' - the path of least resistance.  Choose the 'correct' path - it will be harder.  Make commitments to yourself and follow through."

"Whatever  you choose, do so with full intent, with the end in mind."

"The purpose of life is to experience and evolve by learning from experience.  Life is feedback.  You and you alone are responsible for your experience.  We're here to experience life, not to understand it."

"Be accountable.  An accountable life doesn't get stuck."

"Victims live to prove they're right, but it doesn't work.  Choosing a life of alignment, light, and life requires no proving...it just is, and others can feel that energy and see that light."

"It's never too late to be what you might have been."  George Elliot

"There are no bad decisions...there are only choices that don't work."

"Commitment is always 100%...or 0%.  There is no in-between."

I have learned that I am always creating, whether consciously or not, by the choices I am making.  What do I want to create?  As an addict I created my own personal hell, as dark as anything I could ever imagine.  I did that unconsciously, poor choice after poor choice, until I simply couldn't 'feel' anymore, and lost my ability to choose.  I didn't feel guilt and I didn't feel joy.  I just felt numb...kind of like the side of your mouth after a trip to the dentist. You know it's there, but you can't feel it.  It doesn't work right - you can't chew, drink, or even suck through a straw without dribbling on your shirt.  So that numbness, created by those choices and subsequent addiction, create a life without feeling...a life that just does not work.  I found that choices do, in fact, have consequences, and they can be far-reaching.

But now I know that I get to choose every day...multiple times a day.  I can choose recovery.  I can choose love.  I can choose joy.  I can choose light.  So many choices...but as I make choices that work, life works.  It's better, smoother, and a lot more fun!  It feels good...

Have you seen the movie "Forrest Gump"?  If not, watch it.  And learn from it, because Forrest knew how to do life.  What if we lived life like Forrest Gump?  Make a choice and just go, not caring what others may think.  Not hearing the criticism.  Not making up stories or fearing what "might" happen.  Being open to all possibilities, but being 100% committed.  Pushing through the difficulties, instead of trying to numb the pain.  Believing that everything works out, whether we stress about it or not.  No expectations, no fears, no disappointments.  No worries, with an innocent confidence.  Willing to experience new challenges...feeling free.  Because we are.  Choosing to feel peace and joy...just because.  No reason needed...