Jesus
"It is not possible for you to sink lower than the infinite light of Christ's Atonement shines"
Jeffrey R. Holland
Morgan Jones
I remember vividly the day I returned home from my ninety days at Desert Solace...March 10th, 2017. The inside of our home seemed so light...everything was just so much brighter than I remember. It was weird, but so amazing. As I thought about it, I realized I was seeing with new eyes. I was sober, clean, and really paying attention for the first time in many, many years. What a difference!
As winter turned to spring in Saint George, the days began to get longer, and the sun set later. So some of us would sit on the balcony of our Desert Solace home and watch the sun set each evening while Eric was fixing dinner. Those were special moments for me...watching the sun slowly go down and the sky light up in oranges and pinks. I was taught to be still and know that He was God. This was His show. His handiwork. And it made me grateful for who He was, who I was, and where I was. Grateful for being alive, being His son, and being in recovery. And I learned to appreciate His light.
One of my "boundaries" when I got home was to take care of myself physically...actually eat breakfast every day and go to the gym in the morning. I was coming home from my morning workout one day just before the sun was coming up over the Wasatch mountains and I pulled into the garage, got out of my car and walked around the corner of our house and waited. And watched. I stood there for about 15 minutes or so just waiting for it...the sun...so show up. And it did. And it was beautiful! And I thought, the sun always shows up, and the Son always shows up. But so often we just don't even notice either one...I know that I rarely did. But now...I love sunrises and sunsets! This sunrise was certainly worth the wait. They all are...
The picture above is of rocks that were hand painted by wives of Desert Solace clients and former clients at their retreat in Saint George in August. I love them all, but had to include the one which says "Be The Light", and think it's interesting and awesome that it just happens to be right next to the one that says "Grace." Because Light and Grace go together, and you never have one without the other. In chapter 1 of John we're told..."In Him was life; and the life was the light of men.
"And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehendeth it not.
"That was the true Light, which lighteth every man that cometh into the world." vs. 4, 5, &9
And in the Doctrine and Covenants...section 50, verse 23 and 24...
"And that which doth not edify is not of God, and is darkness.
"That which is of God is light; and he that receiveth light, and continueth in God, receiveth more light; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day."
So, I don't know when that "perfect day" is going to come, but I do know that I'm having a lot more "close to" perfect days in recovery than I ever had before! Why? Light. I can see. Paul talked about us "seeing through a glass darkly", which I think means that we just can't know or see everything. We can't fully know God, or fully know who we really are, but we can get a pretty good glimpse. But to do that it takes light, and it comes from Him. Without light we don't have a chance, and living in darkness sucks...I've been there. What I have learned though, is that the light is always there, always available, always trying to get to us. When I was laying in bed in that crappy motel in Las Vegas that Saturday, thinking I was going to die, wondering what I was going to do, that little ray of Light broke through the darkness and told me to call Marilyn. I immediately shut it down, but it persisted a second time and finally a third. That's when I picked up the phone. That small light that squeezed through the darkness of my soul saved me, in more ways than one, and grew during rehab and recovery into a Light that I both enjoy and savor every day. Certainly not every day is lollipops and rainbows, but knowing that the Light is there...always available...helps me to continue, and to choose joy and hope. Every day.
It's interesting that when the light shines, it shows everything! When in shines through a window in the early morning, you can see all the dust on your "clean" floor. You can see the dust on your car that you just washed yesterday. It illuminates everything, and there's no hiding from it. Darkness is the absence of light, and hides everything. If I don't want to see my "dust", I can just close the blinds. Turn off the light. How many of us do that in our lives? I did. I would rather choose darkness, and hide in it, than to be honest, open, and vulnerable and really see who I was and where I was. It wasn't pretty, and I didn't want any light shining on my life. But nothing grows in darkness...except maybe mushrooms and algae.
While darkness is the absence of light, there also is energy behind it. When a young Joseph Smith went to the woods to pray, he says, "Thick darkness gathered around me, and it seemed to me for a time as if I were doomed to sudden destruction." Wow! But he didn't quit. He didn't give up or give in. He "exerted all my powers to call upon God to deliver me out of the power of this enemy which had seized upon me, and at the very moment when I was ready to sink into despair and abandon myself to destruction-not to an imaginary ruin, but to the power of some actual being from the unseen world, who had such marvelous power as I had never before felt in any being-just at this moment of great alarm, I saw a pillar of light exactly over my head, above the brightness of the sun..." So the lesson here? Light always wins. It always has, and will, overcome darkness. Yes, the darkness is real, but the Light is always there for the choosing. The Light is always chasing us, and we just have to turn around and accept it, be open to it, and embrace it.
M. Catherine Thomas wrote, "Changing our inner energy is essential." Dark energy...fear, guilt, disappointment, shame, anger, and hate...especially towards ourself...invites and attracts dark energy and dark spirits. Addiction happens in the dark, and recovery happens in the light. Always. As we "come to ourselves" we begin to see things differently. With a change of heart, we begin to choose differently, and as we choose light it grows steadily, and becomes a new habit...a way of life.
I think there is a reason that the Book of Mormon records three days of uninterrupted light at the time of Christ's birth, and three days of darkness at His crucifixion. There is a reason Jesus was resurrected early in the morning at sunrise. There is no life without light, and without Light. His Light. We all know, or have known, people that reflect His Light, and are a source of light. They light up a room when they walk in, and you can literally feel their powerful energy as it pulls you in.
And we also know, or have known, people who reflect no light in their lives, and are not tuned into the Source of Light. They are always tired, downtrodden, worn out, complaining, and choosing to be a victim. There's a good chance they are addicted to something, because all addicts think they are victims. They are living in the dark, and their energy...or lack of it...attracts "like" energy. They hang out together, and commiserate together. The Light is always there, but they don't want to see it, and they don't want to choose it. It's always a choice...
Coming home from Desert Solace was an amazing experience, but it really didn't take long for that light I was experiencing to dim a little. When I came home I didn't want to watch TV, watch the news, discuss politics. I hadn't done that for three months, and I was actually enjoying the freedom from it. But as I got back into "the world"...back to work, back to TV, back to the news of the day, back to political arguments...all negative energy...I began to feel the weight of the world begin to weigh me down.
But I discovered that to enjoy the Light, to reflect that Light, and to be a source of light takes intention and effort. It requires focus and energy and awareness. It takes practice. And it is a much better way to live...Light will always overcome darkness. Aways...as we choose it.
I love what Bob Goff said..."Being engaged is a way of doing life, a way of living and loving. It's about going to extremes and expressing the bright hope that life offers us, a hope that makes us brave and expels darkness with light." Yes! It's a way of doing life...a much better way. Choose Light!
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