Shane Scott
"The enemy is fear. We think it is hate; but, it is fear"
Gandhi
"You see, we're all living out a story, but then there's the story we tell ourselves. We need to make sure what we're telling ourselves is the right story. And the right story is, yes, God will give us more than we can handle. But He always has eventual good in mind"
Lysa Terkeurst
We are all living a story. Our stories...each and every one of ours...has power. This is one reason a Twelve Step meeting works, because we are willing to open up, be honest, be vulnerable, listen to, and share our stories. As we share, we also unload. We can dispel the myth that "my story doesn't matter", or "no one cares about me and my story". In that sacred setting, every story matters. Every life matters. Where we have been matters, but not nearly as much as where we are now and where we are going. I've shared much of my story with you, and even though it might have been different, it wasn't. Once again, a HUGE part of recovery is learning and practicing the ability to "let it go." The past is the past, and as Lynne likes to say, "It's just fertilizer. It helps us grow." So we learn from it...
Stories are important, obviously. Why do we like a good movie or a good book? Why do we like good conversation? Stories. Really, what is much of scripture? Stories. Both the old and new testament are full of them. And they're in scripture so we can learn from them...what works and what doesn't. How to align ourselves with God, and how to do life successfully. Jesus was famous for teaching in parables, because instead of just telling the people a principle or commandment, He used a story so they would remember it. So we remember the story of Adam and Eve, the story of Jonah, the story of David and Goliath, the story of the lost coin, the story of the prodigal son, and so many others. Stories are important, and the world would be a really boring place to live in without them.
Imagine you're invited into a movie theater. You come in, sit down, and realize you're the only one in there. You begin watching the movie, and soon realize it's your movie, about your life. Wow! Well, at least they got the story right...
Next, you're invited into the theater next door. You sit down, and realize it's your spouse sitting in front of you watching this movie. You watch for a while and then realize that once again this movie is about you, but this story's not right. Your life doesn't look that this. You're not like that! But this movie is how your spouse sees you and your life, and it doesn't match your own movie.
Third movie theater, new movie. Your mom is sitting in front of you now, and once again this movie is about you. But it's completely different than the other two, because it's the story your mom is telling, and it's from her perspective. And it's really nice, because your mom loves you. Or maybe not...maybe you and your mom have a horrible relationship, so this movie is not only wrong, but it's a lousy story. Total BS!
Each movie is different, because we make up stories about ourself and about everyone around us. Each of those stories is different, and when we realize that we can choose to be offended or angry or sad, or we can be aware and understanding, we can seek a different relationship with that person. We can seek a different relationship with ourself. We all see the world, and ourselves, through different eyes, and no two viewpoints are the same.
So...stories are all good, right? Maybe not. What happens when someone cuts you off on the freeway? "Jerk!" "Idiot!" "Imbecile!" We immediately make up a story in our head about what a complete idiot loser that guy is...and we don't even know him. But there's immediate judgement. Maybe his wife is in critical condition in the hospital. Maybe his son just got hit on his bike. There are so many maybe's, but we do not know them. And yet we judge. And make up a story. And we believe it...and then we spread it. And embellish it. We tell everyone about the crazy idiot that almost killed us on the way to work. And really, it's just not true...
There's the story told (another story) about the guy who saw a blue Mustang in a parking lot as he was driving down the street one afternoon. He saw the car, and thought "That looks like Mary's car." Mary was his girlfriend. And as he drove, he thought "Was that Mary in that car, and was she with another guy?" "Who was that guy?" "Why was she with him?" "What's going on?" The more he thought about it, the madder he got...Mary was cheating on him! All this from a quick glance at a car that looked like Mary's. WHAT?! It's insane, right? But that's what we do...we all do it. We make up a story almost every time something happens to us, or around us. We pretend we know something when we don't. We make assumptions. We think about the worst this could be. We are exceptionally judgmental when we don't have the whole story, or even part of it. Then, after we make up a whopper of a story, we take it personally. "Well, I'll show Mary! I'm going to take Jeanette out Friday night! I'll show her!" Pretty stupid, right? But we all do it, all the time. And we're not even aware of it...
When we make up stories about stuff that happens to us, it tends to make a mess of our lives. An addicts life is ultimately created by false beliefs, which are really stories we tell ourselves, and stories we are told. We are programmed as children...by parents, teachers, church leaders, friends, and others. When we believe all the stories, and we tell them to ourselves so many times, we start to believe them. "I'm not smart enough. I'm not pretty enough. I'm not a good enough athlete. I don't read well enough. I'm just stupid." And that list goes on and on and on...endlessly. So what happens? These false beliefs...and they are false...are supported by events. Every time I failed a geometry test..."I'm so stupid!" When I got cut from the basketball team..."I'm such a loser." You get it...you've lived it. Every event in our life...everything that happens to us and around us...reinforces our false beliefs. Our stories becomes real and justified. Then come the emotions...anger, jealousy, anxiety, and fear. Especially FEAR! How do we drown out these crappy emotions and beliefs? How do we numb them? Behaviors...and so often addiction is the result.
So, FALSE BELIEFS lead to EVENTS which produce EMOTIONS...which result in BEHAVIORS.
Richard Rohr writes in "Falling Upward"..."your false self is your role, title, and personal image that is largely a creation of your own mind and attachments. It will and must die in exact correlation to how much you want the REAL. 'How much false self are you willing to shed to find your True Self?' is the lasting question." The invitation always is to let my false self go, and accept reality. Really discover who I really am, and act on that discovery. This was huge for me early in recovery...
Shane taught me that with every fear there's always a belief. So I could test my beliefs...Ask, "Is it true?" Then ask, "Can I absolutely know it's true?" "How do I know it's true?" How many of my beliefs were not true?...most of them. How many have I just made up?...again, most of them.
And the biggest story of all is "I'm not good enough." If we keep telling ourselves the same stories time after time, our future will be the same as our past. But it doesn't have to be. When we can finally recognize our false beliefs and stories for what they are...false, not true, fake, made up...then we can finally let them go. We can recognize who we really are and who we can become, despite our past. We can live in a new acceptance and awareness, and when we automatically make up a story about ourself or someone else, we can now recognize it and shift out of it. We do not have to live in fear. We do not have to live in judgment of others or ourselves. We do not have to live with the programming we received our entire lives. We really can choose how we feel, how we act, and how we see ourselves and the world. The scriptures remind us that living in alignment allows us to see things "as they really are."
As I began my recovery at Desert Solace this was all revolutionary for me. I could choose to let go of my past? I could choose to focus on what's real, and see myself for who I really am? I can choose joy, love, light, confidence, and peace? My Heavenly Father and Brother love me just because I'm me?...I don't have to earn their love? I could live a life being who I am really am, and didn't need to allow external things to create my identity? I could live in acceptance of what is, while still working hard to shape my future? What?! This was radical stuff for a sixty-two year old sex addict, who thought for years that he was a total piece of crap. This was risky business...this being honest and vulnerable and authentic...but Shane said, "Without risk we settle for the crumbs of life." And I realized that's what I had been doing for so long. Crumbs. My beliefs were my comfort zone, and nothing new happens there. Nothing ever did...
I love this from Lysa Terkeurst, in her book "It's Not Supposed To Be This Way"..."God is who He says He is, and He will do what He says He will do. But to partner with Him in His work of transformation in our lives, we must seek Him with all our hearts. It's our choice whether we stay stuck in our hurt or get renewed in our hearts." Of course, there really is no "supposed to be"...those are just stories we make up in our minds. There is no "how it should be"...it just is. But, I have found that acceptance does require some faith. Actually, more faith than I've ever had before. Hope requires faith, and they work well together. So acceptance requires both letting go, and pushing through. It's not just passive, and neither are faith and hope. I can accept things as they are in my life at the very same time I am working hard to create change. To do something different and get different results. To be something more and somebody different. It's a journey, not an event, and is the recovery path that is so easy, and yet, so very difficult to travel at the same time.
More from Richard Rohr..."Your True Self is who you objectively are from the beginning, in the mind and heart of God, 'the face you had before you were born,' as the Zen masters say. It is your substantial self, your absolute identity, which can be neither gained nor lost by any technique, group affiliation, morality, or formula whatsoever. The surrendering of our false self, which we have usually taken for our absolute identity, yet is merely a relative identity, is the necessary suffering needed to find 'the pearl of great price' that is always hidden inside this lovely but passing shell."
My story has great power, and all my choices...good, bad, horrible...have a result. Where and Who I am today. Without those choices, I'm certainly not writing this right now. I have discovered ME, and have opportunities every day for more discovery. We each do, no matter our story. As I live in awareness, and choose to be authentic, open, and real...and choose not to make up stories about what's going around me or in me...Life works so much better. Relationships are closer and stronger. Living Commandments #1 and #2 is so much easier. And I have opportunities I never would have imagined.
Here's the invitation...ditch your false beliefs. Let them go. Live aware, and look at your world and your life objectively, and choose what is...not what you think "should be." You'll be surprised at the results...Peace, Joy, Love, Confidence, and Opportunity...
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