Thomas S. Monson
"If there is no certain 'way', then you get to experience life. Don't let the 'how' or the 'why' get in your way."
Kyle Copeland
"The past is just fertilizer - it helps us grow"
Lynne Clark Brunson
Marilyn and I watched the October, 2017 general conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints from home, on TV. The women's session was first then, on Friday night, and we sat together on the couch to watch. The third speaker that night was the general president of the primary, Joy D. Jones, and she delivered a talk that was entitled "Value Beyond Measure". All I can say is, when she was done and the "amen" was said, Marilyn and I looked at each other and we were each in tears. Her address touched each of us profoundly, because it talks about who we really are. She talked about the "worth of souls", and that the Savior sacrificed everything for each of us, as individuals. And she said "If the love we feel for the Savior and what He did for us is greater than the energy we give to weaknesses, self-doubts, or bad habits (or addictions), then he will help us overcome the things which cause suffering in our lives. He saves us from ourselves...Let's not be confused about who we are! As the Savior lifts us to higher ground, we can see more clearly not only who we are but also that we are closer to Him than we ever imagined."
Wow! I still get emotional when I read those words from Sister Jones, because so much of what I learned and experienced at Desert Solace, and in recovery, was simply seeing myself for who I really am, and seeing God, others, and the world for who they really are. Recovery quickly became about relationships, with myself and others, and it's still that way today.
So...after her talk was published, I read it again. And cried again. I told Marilyn that I would love to somehow reach out to Sister Jones and just let her know how much I enjoyed her talk, and what it meant to me, but I didn't do anything right away. The following Saturday, during my morning study, I read her talk again. And cried again. And committed to get her email address, or something, so I could let her know I loved her talk. The next day, Sunday, we were invited to attend our daughter Kristen's ward, in West Jordan, for sacrament meeting, so we could see our grandchildren sing in the ward primary program, which is held annually in the fall. So we did. We arrived early, and were sitting in the chapel before the meeting was to begin, when Brian, their bishop, left the stand, walked down the aisle past our bench, and talked to the people sitting behind us. We heard him say something about "Would you like to sit on the stand?", and his invitation was declined. Marilyn turned to look at who was behind us, and who Brian was talking with, and then whispered to me, "I think that's Joy D. Jones behind us." I turned to see, and yes, it was her, with her husband! After the meeting ended, we were able to just turn around and have an awesome five minute conversation with her. I was able to tell her how much I loved her talk, in person, and mentioned that I was going to write or email her. Her husband joked that now I could save the cost of the stamp.
And I told her, "There are no accidents." She replied, "We say that all the time!"
What were the chances that of the literally hundreds of wards along the Wasatch front, she would choose to attend the Prairie 13th ward in West Jordan? Slim and none... but there she was, sitting right behind us. Just a coincidence? Really?
When I first heard the phrase "there are no accidents", I had no clue what that meant. No accidents? Of course there are accidents...all the time. Every day. But over the course of days and weeks at Desert Solace, and then at home, I have come to believe that truth...there are indeed no accidents. So what does that mean?
Well, first of all, let go of the past. The past was not an accident, because it happened. It can't be changed, re-done, re-worked, or modified. So all the crap I did, all the pain I experienced, all the suffering I caused were not accidents...simply because it all happened, because it was supposed to happen. And of course, all the positive experiences, all the good stuff, all the great people in my life, my family and everyone else were not accidents either. Everything that has happened with me, to me, and around me, got me here...where I am today. Who I am today. It was all supposed to happen exactly that way. Why? Because it did. That idea for a recovering addict who lived in the past, or the future, most of the time was HUGE! It freed me from constantly hating myself for what I had done, whether it was years ago or yesterday, and it opened my eyes and heart to see all the blessings I had been given, but certainly not earned...Grace. The past was the past, and it wasn't an accident. So the story of my life, and the story of my addiction were the events that got me into recovery, and that got me to Desert Solace. Marilyn has said more than once, how great it would have been if I had found Desert Solace when I was thirty-two instead of sixty-two. But...it didn't happen that way. There was no Desert Solace when I was thirty-two. And I wasn't in a place to be ready for recovery then. So there's no going back...there's no "what if". It is what it is, and it was what it was. Why? Because it was supposed to be that way, and it was not an accident.
Another word I've learned that really doesn't work is "should", especially "should have"...As in "I should have spent more time studying", or "I shouldn't have asked her for her opinion", or...well, there's a million ways to fill in the blanks. But we go through life "shoulding on ourself"! Yea, that's right. "Shoulding". How often do we look back and wish we'd made a different choice? Always? Every day, or more? And when we do that, does it change one thing from the past? No, of course not. As we know, hindsight is 20/20, but hindsight only serves us if we look at it as "what can I learn from that experience, choice, or decision?" Saying we "should" have done something different only makes us suffer and then second guess ourselves going forward. I reached a point as an addict where I was sure that any choice that I had to make was going to be the wrong one. What a crappy way to live! So I have learned to live without "shoulding" on myself, although when I still do it, at least I'm aware of it...
Another true story that I love...
Allyson, the daughter of our dear friends who were living in Southern California, was engaged to be married to David. David had recently joined our church, and their intention was to wait the required year to be married and sealed in the temple in San Diego. Shortly after David's baptism, they traveled to Utah to attend general conference...a new experience for him. We all went to downtown Salt Lake City, and were going to have dinner at Little America. We got off Trax and walked to the restaurant. Just before we got to the entrance, there inside the window was Elder Thomas S. Monson, having dinner with his wife Francis. Of course, we thought that was pretty cool, and after our group was seated at a large table in the middle of the restaurant, Elder Monson finished his meal, and on his way to the front desk to pay his bill stopped at our table and said with his trademark big smile, "How's everyone doing tonight?" We all said fine, and he went to pay his bill. I leaned over to Allyson and told her to take David and go tell Elder Monson that he had just been baptized, and they were waiting to be married. I said that would make his day. She was hesitant at first, but then got up and did just that. They had a great conversation with Elder Monson, and it's something they haven't forgotten. Sometime later David told us he had prayed to meet a general authority of the church while he was in Salt Lake, and he in fact was able to meet the next president of the church.
Coincidence? A chance meeting? Well, maybe. Or you can choose to believe that there are no accidents. You can believe that it was an answer not just to prayer, but also to intention.
In recovery, I was able to look back on my life and see, as never before, how many great things had happened to myself and my family in so many ways, and through so many people...things I certainly didn't deserve or in any way earn. Of course, that's Grace...but none of those things are accidents. It was President Monson who said, "The Lord is in the details of our lives." Before recovery, I never believed that. I believed that we came into this world, and our Father said "Good luck! See you on the other side." Life is a risky business, and I firmly believed I was pretty much on my own in navigating it. And that belief did not serve me well...no wonder I eventually became hopeless. But once again, in recovery I can begin to see things as they really are, and recognize the great care that has gone into my Father's plan for my life. Yes, life is tough, because it's not supposed to be easy. But...if we choose, we can see how much help we really receive, almost daily. Then we live in gratitude, we live a life of abundance instead of a life of lack. No matter what we have, it's enough, and no matter what we face, we can figure it out with His help. It is just a completely different way of looking at, and living life than I had ever considered before. As we are open to all possibilities, and live a life of awareness and intention, life becomes an adventure instead of just a hot mess...
In his book "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years", Donald Miller writes about life and how remarkable it really is...
"We get robbed of the glory of life because we aren't capable of remembering how we got here. When you are born, you wake slowly to everything. Your brain doesn't stop growing until you turn twenty-six, so from birth to twenty-six, God is slowly turning the lights on, and you're groggy and pointing at things saying 'circle' and 'blue' and 'car' and then 'sex' and 'job' and 'health care'. The experience is so slow you could easily come to believe that life isn't that big of a deal, that life isn't staggering. What I'm saying is I think life is staggering and we're just used to it. We are all like spoiled children no longer impressed with the gifts we're given - it's just another sunset, just another rainstorm moving in over the mountain, just another child being born, just another funeral.
"If I have a hope, it's that God sat over the dark nothing and wrote you and me, specifically, into the story and put us in with the sunset and the rainstorm as though to say, 'Enjoy your place in my story. The beauty of it means you matter, and you can create within it even as I have created you. I've wondered, though, if one of the reasons we fail to acknowledge the brilliance of life is because we don't want the responsibility inherent in the acknowledgement. We don't want to be characters in a story because characters have to move and breathe and face conflict with courage. And if life isn't remarkable, then we don't have to do any of that; we can be unwilling victims rather than grateful participants."
Life is a gift...a remarkable, beautiful, brilliant, difficult, staggering gift. And I have both learned and experienced that the story of my life, and I believe every life, is full of events and people and opportunities and struggles that are not accidental...they each serve a purpose to provide the "fertilizer" for growth. As the apostle Paul said, we see "through a glass darkly." We don't see the big picture, BUT we can choose to live in awareness and intention and we can see much more of it, and see it more clearly, than when we are lost in victimhood, addiction, attachment, and ingratitude. It's a choice...it always is.
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