The Roots...

 

                                                                 

 

"ADDICTION IS ESCAPING REALITY AT ALL COSTS"

                                   SHANE SCOTT

"ACCOMPLISHMENT DOES NOT CHANGE SELF-BELIEF"

                                   LYNNE CLARK BRUNSON

"WE ARE ALL ADDICTS IN EVERY SENSE OF THE WORD.  MOREOVER, OUR ADDICTIONS ARE OUR OWN WORST ENEMIES.  THEY ENSLAVE US WITH CHAINS THAT ARE OF OUR OWN MAKING, AND YET ARE VIRTUALLY BEYOND OUR CONTROL"

                                   GERALD G. MAY

In my notes from my time at Desert Solace, I have a picture of a tree, much like the one in the picture above, drawn four or five different times.  This "tree of addiction" is something Lynne talked about many times, with the intention of allowing us to understand that we are not what we do...that my addiction had roots I wasn't even aware of.  So in this tree there are leaves, branches, a trunk, and roots, and each represents something different...

The leaves are my behaviors...my acting out.  For me it was porn and sex, for others it's alcohol or drugs, for others it might be gambling, video games, shopping, Diet Coke, feelings of resentment, hate, or anger, or any number of things that seem pretty normal, but are really addictions that seem beyond their control and beyond their awareness.  But they are addictions...

The branches represent my emotions, how I feel.  As an addict I lived a pretty unconscious life...I just wasn't aware of my feelings and emotions.  They were just there.  I felt what I felt when I felt it, and really didn't pay a lot of attention.  I had no idea I could actually choose how I wanted to feel...

The trunk of the tree represents events in my life.  All the stuff that's happened to me, around me, and with me.  Things happen not just to us, but around us, every day, all day.  And of course with social media, TV, cable news, and the internet, now we're able to pretty much see and experience everything that's going on anywhere in the world.  When you really think about it, that's nuts.  I don't think my mind, spirit, and body are made to handle that much negativity...because we know that most of what we see on our news feed is negative.  Imagine how many events, both positive and negative, we experience in a lifetime.  I can't count that high!  Crazy, right?

So now we get to the roots.  In a real living tree, the roots are the most important part of that tree.  Without roots there is no life, no growth.  There is no sustenance.  No food. No water.  No tree trunk, no branches, no leaves.  Utah tends to be a pretty windy place, but a few years ago there was an incredible wind storm that rolled through our state, and we lost hundreds of old trees.  Why?  The roots couldn't withstand the storm.  They were deep enough for everyday breeze or wind, but when that storm showed up they weren't deep enough or strong enough, even though they were dozens of years old.  So...really, the roots determine everything.  The leaves of the tree may turn orange and brown in the fall, fall off in the winter, and show up again in the spring.  Branches may break off.  Someone might carve their initials in the trunk.  And the tree still lives.  But without the roots strong and healthy, there is no strong healthy tree.

Here's what I learned.  My addiction has roots.  Really, it has a tap root...one main root.  And for me, and I believe for most, if not all addicts, that root is the idea that "I'm not good enough."  Some of my earliest memories were worrying about how I was viewed or accepted by others, because on my own I just wasn't good enough.  As I've said before, I grew up as a "box checker."  I checked all boxes as a young Mormon growing up in the church...baptized at eight, deacons' quorum president at twelve, teachers' quorum president at fourteen, senior patrol leader in my scout troop, A's and some B's in school, student government in high school, LDS mission at nineteen, district and zone leader, etc.  You get the idea.  Why?  What was I trying to prove, or was I just doing the "right thing"?  Looking back with the hindsight of recovery, I was trying to prove something to myself.  That I was good enough.  But I was OK.  In fact, I was better than OK.  And I was trying to prove it to God and to everyone else.

And every time something happened in my life that proved I wasn't good enough...every time there was some negative experience to support my root belief...I would latch onto that experience as proof.  And my trunk just grew and got thicker and thicker.  Of course, any event that showed that I was, in fact, OK just as I was...any accomplishment, achievement, or recognition...would just be ignored.  It couldn't possibly be true.  

So of course emotions followed...the tree branches.  Feelings of fear, loneliness, self doubt, and discouragement would always be just below the surface waiting to say "See, I told you so!"  And as those emotions reared their ugly heads, they had to be numbed.  I had to make them go away.  So...porn.  What better way to forget who I "really was"?  What better way to forget about them than to spend time in a fantasy world that wasn't real, but felt so good?  Addiction is distorted reality.  As Shane said, "Addiction is escaping reality at all costs."  Little did I know at the time how high the cost might be...

We all have our roots, trunks, branches, and favorite leaves.  Most addicts start off by minimizing their behaviors, and can easily justify them.  I did.  For years.  And ultimately it didn't work anymore.  Even when our addictions are perfectly socially acceptable, they are still addictions.  They are an escape, and we are subconsciously loosing our ability to choose.  And that ability...agency...is the only thing we have that is truly eternal and truly ours, and is the one thing that sets us apart from all other living things.  It is what ties us to our Creator, because we both share it.

So what I came to realize in Desert Solace and in recovery is to let go of these false beliefs...because they are false.  I AM good enough.  I CAN choose how I respond to events in my life,  and I don't have to give them meaning to support any belief about myself.  I can choose confidence, peace, and love.  I can be aware and conscious of my thoughts and emotions, actually feel them, sit in them for a while, and then let them go.  I don't have to make up stories and assumptions about the things that people do to me, around me, or on my Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram feed.  I don't have to react a certain way to this world I live in, or have a reaction at all.  I can choose.  That's it.  And for me, the underlying principle of all that is the fact...and yes, I now know it's a fact...that God, my Heavenly Dad, loves me absolutely perfectly, and that I don't need to earn His love, and that no matter how messed up I am, He still will love me.  As I've said, I tried to run away from His love, and it didn't work.  My Savior sacrificed everything for me, and He carries me on the scars of His hands.  That's how much I'm worth!  And you are too.  Words cannot begin to describe our worth, and we'll never understand our own value in this life.

So here's the question...How do I live and let go?  How do stay strong and sober?  And where do I find peace and joy?  Choose Grace.  I know that sounds way too simple, but it really is...

A few ideas...

...Come to know, at least a little, who I really am.  This alone has made a huge difference in my life and in recovery.

...Let go of the past, and don't assume the future will reflect my past.  I can choose to make a shift.

...Be open to all possibilities.  Old me:  "That will never work."  New me:  "We'll figure it out."

...Practice honesty with myself, God, and others.  

...Recovery happens when all realities match.  Recovery is both surrendering my will to God, and at the same time living with intention and awareness.  Focused and conscious.  It's working hard and letting go at the same time.  It's growing up and beginning to see things "as they really are."

...Recovery is being real...authentic and vulnerable.  It's taking big risks, being confident, but knowing that failure is, well, just failure.  It doesn't define me at all, and I am much more than the clothes I wear, the house I live in, or the car I drive.  We all wear our disguises...our uniforms...but that's not who we are, even though most of the time we're trying to show other people who we want them to think we are.  Sounds messed up right?  It's what we all do, and yes, it is messed up.  Did Jesus ever do that?  Not that I'm aware of...He was about as real and authentic and, yes, vulnerable as possible.

As we let go of our beliefs and begin to live in reality, life becomes so much more fun.  It flows better.  We don't have to pretend anymore, and we can really live free.  We don't have be anxious, angry, afraid.  We don't have to let social media, others' opinions, and political strife dominate our lives and our emotions.  We don't have to live afraid of getting caught...afraid of people finding out who we really are.  And it just works so much better.

If we're a tree, let's choose some beautiful evergreen leaves, and let's bear some sweet fruit.  Because it always is, and will always be, our choice...

Let your false beliefs go, say good-bye to your past, and push forward with intention...and life will be amazing.