WHO AM I?

"Thinking small about ourselves does not serve us well"
                                         Joy D. Jones


"Your worth is set...everything else is just experience"
                                         Amy



I had some of my most spiritually sensitive moments while doing yoga with our instructor, Miriam.  We would travel every Tuesday and Thursday to her studio on Main Street in St. George to spend an hour in yoga.  I was by far the oldest guy in our group, and no doubt the least flexible...yoga was difficult, but over time I grew to love it, although I was never very good at it.  Miriam is maybe almost my age, and a wise, kind, loving, person...full of spirit and wonderful energy.  I will say that yoga, and Miriam, were very good for me, even though I wasn't very good at yoga. (She whispered in my ear one time, "You're a stiff old man)...and it was so true!

One session, at the end while we were lying on our backs practicing shavasana, with soft music playing, very relaxed, drifting between sleep and awake, and Miriam talking softly with inspiring words, quotes, and ideas, she said something like..."Feel the warmth and comfort you felt in your mother's womb."  Just then it hit me...I didn't know who my birth mother was.  I really didn't know where I came from.

I knew that I had been given up for adoption after my birth in 1954, and had been adopted by my parents, as was my sister three years later.  Apparently our mom wasn't able to have children, or maybe it was our dad...I'm not sure...but both of us grew up knowing we were adopted.  It had never bothered me.  I just figured they were my parents, and I was fine with that, at least consciously.  Sub consciously, who knows?  I think it had always bothered my sister, Diane, to some degree, and many years ago she found her birth family, and a sister with whom she's really close, and that was awesome for her !

But I still didn't care, until that moment in yoga.  And that sent me on a journey that is another story for another time...

A huge part of recovery for me was self discovery...who am I? Really?  And does it matter?  I'd only been at Desert Solace for a week or so when Lynne said that we are "Light Warriors".  Well, what's a Light Warrior?  I don't remember her giving us a real definition, but I do remember feeling good about it.  A Warrior of Light!  Brave.  Bold.  Confident.  Assured.  Glowing.  Energy.  And so much more.  I felt deeply that this was true, and that somehow that's who I really was.  I had spent so much of my time in darkness (there is a reason that strip clubs, massage parlors, bars, etc. are not well lit!) that I was hungry for light, and was hungry to know who I was or what I was.

Like so many children growing up in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I had sung the primary song "I Am a Child of God".  It's beautiful, and the message is clear...I am a literal child of God, and He is in fact, my Heavenly Father.  I am partly divine, and lived before this life, with Him, in a pre-mortal life.  He is the Father of my spirit.  So I am eternally tied to Him.  It's a great song, with a great message, but even though I somehow knew that, and had sung that song probably hundreds of times, it had not sunk in and had not reached my heart.  So, like so much of what I had learned in church, it was in my head...I "knew" it...but that's where it had stayed.  In my head.  And it wasn't helping me very much there.

So what have I learned and experienced in recovery?  I am special. And so are you.  And every one of us...billions and billions of us.  I experienced the reality of being God's son, and all that implies.  I've discovered that I am a spiritual being living with a mortal body in a fallen world, and that eventually my spirit will get a very cool, very whole, very complete perfect immortal body to live with (and yoga will be so much easier!), and it's all going to work out.  Why?  Because God loves me...more that I can possibly imagine.  He said "Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God"  I don't think "great" even begins to describe how He views us and how much He loves us.  He also said that His work and His glory is to "Bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man".  So...everything He does, everything He is, is really for me...for each of us.  For every one of us.  Everything! That's amazing, right?!

But I've also discovered that I am that "Light Warrior" that Lynne introduced me to...and I have endless opportunities to receive light and to reflect light to others.  Joy D. Jones said this in her talk "Value Beyond Measure"...
"God is your Father.  He loves you.  He and your mother in heaven (yes, a Mom too!) value you beyond measure...you are unique.  One of a kind..."

And Spencer W. Kimball said..."Let there be no question in your mind about your value as an individual".

Discovering who I am, really, has been critical to my recovery and my life.  Yes, I am a child of God.  But I am much more that that...I am Me.  I have the agency...free will, or whatever you'd like to call it...to be Me.  But I've learned that even though I can choose, choosing correctly works so much better.  As Amy, the wife of a recovering addict, said in a podcast I recently listened to on "Unashamed and Unafraid"..."Your worth is set...everything else is just experience".  So I'm here to experience, to grow, and to continue what we like to call "eternal progression", which I believe really is eternal.  It does not, and will not end. But whatever I do, and whatever I choose,  does not define my worth.  I am "great" in God's eyes, and I cannot earn that, nor can I diminish that.  I cannot run away from His love...I tried...nor can I can earn His love.  I don't have to...He just loves me, and He loves me even when I make a mess out of my life.

I remember the first time I heard Francesca Battestelli sing "He Knows My Name", and I cried.

"I don't need my name in lights,
I'm famous in my Father's eyes,
Make no mistake, He knows my name..."

  So knowing...not just in my head, but in my heart...Who I...and all of us...really are is a difference maker.  It did, it can, and it will, change everything, and has brought meaning to my life that I had been missing for so, so long.  Just think...He knows my name!