Thinking that I gotta control it all.
I can feel my worry and anxiety...
I'm going under and I know it.
Time for me to let go, time for me to breathe,
Knowing that He already holds it all.
Time for me to turn down this anxiety,
I can know my freedom in a moment.
...Oh, I'm gonna let it go,
I'm gonna let it go."
Jason Gray "I'm Gonna Let It Go"
I woke up Tuesday morning at 6:30...we woke up every morning at 6:30 at Desert Solace, and I was tired, a little lost, but determined and certainly more clear headed than I had been in a very long time. Our schedule at Desert Solace included up at 6:30 AM, lights out at 10:30 PM. A half hour to get ready and have breakfast...we had breakfast stuff in our downstairs kitchen...then upstairs for morning check-in as a group. How was I feeling emotionally, mentally, spiritually, sexually, and physically? This was an important ongoing step to help me learn to actually recognize my feelings and emotions, be able to articulate them, and to deal with them appropriately. And as each one of us shared our feelings with the group, many times we would receive feedback from the others, if we "were open" to receiving it.
After morning check-in, we went out to the stables to care for the horses. There were six horses, two "minis", and some goats. We let them out of their stalls, fed them, cleaned their stalls each morning...yes, shoveling horse crap every morning...made sure they had water, etc. That winter was exceptionally cold and wet for St. George, and there many days when the stalls were more mud than anything else, the water was frozen, and so were my toes! But I came to love this routine, and I especially came to love these amazing horses as I came to know them better.
During the week we would meet in group sessions with therapist Lynne Clark Brunson, who I will write about later, and Shane Scott, an amazing life coach. More about him later as well...
We would have individual study time, using "Facing The Shadow" by Patrick Carnes.
There were two yoga sessions each week with our wonderful instructor Miriam. I was never very adept at yoga...in fact, Miriam once told me I was a "stiff, old man," which of course I already knew...but I grew to love these sessions with her, and had some incredible spiritual experiences during yoga.
We would hit the gym at least five days a week, and go on hikes in the beautiful red rock desert of Southern Utah. Afterwards, each day, we would gather the horses, put them back in their stalls, shower and clean up for dinner, then go to a 12 step meeting. Every night...90 meetings in 90 days.
Then evening check-in as a group, and bed. Every day was full...and for me, really great. And then we'd attend church on Sundays, which I grew to both love and appreciate in new and expansive ways I had never before experienced.
There was one activity twice a week that taught me more about myself than anything else I did while I was there...equine therapy. I tell people about equine and of course they say, "Oh, you got to ride horses!" Actually, no...never rode a horse. Equine was conducted by Julie Gates Forbes, and Jan Adamson, who both have a very special connection and love for these animals, but are also trained therapists. In a nutshell, equine is designed to have us, sometimes individually and sometimes as a group, to get the horses, or a single horse, to do something...usually something they really are not interested in doing! But the most important part of this is forging a connection with these animals...as the days and weeks progressed, I did too, and came to experience that they can sense and feel our energy in very real ways. They can feel our fear and insecurity, and they can also feel our confidence and love.
Well, equine was my very first activity that Tuesday morning at Desert Solace. I was scared, nervous, and uncertain. I wasn't a total stranger to horses, but wasn't on speaking terms with them either. My "assignment" was simple. Walk around the arena and touch one of the horses. Period. Sounds really simple and easy. It wasn't. It took me forty-five minutes before finally Jasper, who was a very gentle soul, let me touch him. Of course I was the last one out of the arena, by a long ways.
Afterwards, we sat in chairs in a circle just outside the arena to discuss what had happened, what our experience had been, and what we had felt and hopefully learned. That first Tuesday, I had felt stupid, frustrated, competitive, jealous, ready to give up, and rejected. But I had also felt so excited by a small victory...Jasper let me touch him! And as we discussed all this in our circle, I remember Julie pointing out to me that she could see all this in my body language and expressions...my shoulders were slumped as I was ready to quit, but that all changed a little by the end. And I had the opportunity to answer Julie's favorite question for the first time that morning..."How does that show up in your life?"
I learned the need for patience, the need to be more aggressive, but I also learned in a very small way what it felt to be happy and feel peace...the peace that came in that connection with my new friend Jasper. I also learned, and not just that first time, but in every equine session, to not worry about the "how", but rather to focus on the "what." Because in my life I had always been focused on "how?"...How can I do that?...it's impossible! And as a result, I would so often feel defeat before I had any chance at all of victory. That had been my life, and now I had an opportunity to live life from a different paradigm. I had always been so full of expectations and had so often been disappointed, and had disappointed myself. As I learned to let go of the outcome and to let go of expectations, I found life to be so much better...so much easier. I found myself being able to learn to live in the moment and to let go of both the past and the future. I discovered, slowly and over time, how to really enjoy life...maybe for the first time.
In my first yoga session later that day, Miriam said "Every problem has a solution," and is an opportunity to grow and learn. She told us to be grateful for our breath and our heart, and that light is reflected from gratitude.
At the end of that first day, my evening check-in looked like this...
Emotionally: thoughtful
Mentally: overwhelmed
Spiritually: distant
Physically: really tired. It had been a good day, probably the best day I had had in years.
I was just beginning my journey of "letting go" and living one day at time...
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